


A Day Late and a Dollar Short

by 0atis



Category: Glee
Genre: Angst, Drama, F/F, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-27
Updated: 2012-11-03
Packaged: 2017-11-17 03:32:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 26,721
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/547171
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/0atis/pseuds/0atis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A rare glitch; fate sends the right person twice. Quinn makes a wrong choice at a time in life when she should have had all the time in the world to make the right one.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

In Quinn's life there were many things that were unsure, actually everything always was, her days were filled with plans to get somewhere she wasn't or to stay in her current position. Nothing was ever certain, but she did her best to see that it was. Her home life was tumultuous, with an overbearing father, an alcoholic mother and a sister that seemed to only take pleasure in seeing her cry. At any one moment she was never sure how anyone really felt about her and subsequently how she felt about them, but there was one thing that was for sure, always; she loved Santana Lopez.

It was love at first sight, pure and simple.

At first it was totally innocent, because when they first met they were in kindergarten and there was no other way for her feelings to be. Quinn would always remember the small brown skinned girl who walked in her classroom holding her mother's leg and shaking like a leaf. When her parents left her she didn't cry but Quinn could tell she wanted to, and there standing alone in a baby blue shirt and elastic jeans with black Velcro sneakers she was the prettiest thing Quinn had ever seen. Never in her life had she come across anyone with skin that color that wasn't on television and her hair wasn't the same blonde or light brown of her classmates, it was an inky black and from that moment to years to come it would always be her desire to run her fingers through it.

She stood and walked to the girl because how could she not? How could she not investigate something so startlingly different from what she saw in her everyday life?

Quinn would also remember how frightened she looked as she approached and how her face twisted in confusion when she spoke. Those dark eyes were wide and shining and they made Quinn gasp with how intense and simply beautiful they were. She had smiled and offered her hand as she had been taught and the girl took it still looking afraid. The first thing she ever said to her was 'I'm Quinn. What's your name?' she remembered because then her new found treasure had opened her mouth and the most mysterious beautiful words came out and Quinn understood none of them. It was just another thing that had entranced her with the girl as she brought her to sit at the coloring table.

It was weird to remember the exact details of that day, (at least Quinn thought it was she wasn't sure) but she did. She could see everything clearly in her memory, every hand painting and papier-mâché sculpture, the brightly colored road map rug, the building blocks, their cubby holes. Most of all she remembered speaking to the girl and marveling at what she would say back while feeling a sense of elation that most of the other children were totally disinterested in the new arrival, meaning Quinn got her to herself and for her to get anything to herself was rare. Her sister, Fran, saw to that.

The most prized memory she had of that day was when it was all over and their parents were coming to pick them up, the enchanting new student turned to her and said 'Me llamo Santana,' and upon seeing that her friend didn't understand she frowned, thought for a moment and then just pointed to herself, 'Santana.'

It was then Quinn understood and marveled at how someone so pretty could possibly have a name to match, but she did.

It was Quinn's most precious day and it turned into her most precious year because for a long time she counted it as the only one where everything could have changed. When they could have been alright.

Nothing was the same after that.

The first day of first grade Quinn was excited to see Santana again and when they saw each other they greeted as though nothing had changed, but a few things had. The Latina was still little and stringy, but her hair was longer, her smile was bigger and those large dark eyes now seemed almost hypnotizing. Maybe it was these changes or maybe it was the time away during the summer, but Quinn was even more fascinated by the girl than she had been before. Which was unfortunate because it seemed now, with her coming in at the beginning of the year, there were far more new kids that didn't already have best friends who wanted to talk to her which displayed another change, she had learned quite a bit of English.

Though Santana was still friends with Quinn she would go off to play with the other kids sometimes. Not that Quinn was left alone, she was surrounded by classmates of the previous year and quite a few new ones who all wanted her attention, but in reality she wanted to always sit by Santana and just watch her because everything about her was fascinating.

It got to the point where she hardly saw her friend except during recess and even then someone else was always trying to play with her. Quinn was in distress and it was due to the lack of attention that she made what would always be considered by her older self to be step one in the How to Fail at Proper Self-Expression campaign.

Hours of hard thought on how to let Santana know she liked her and wanted them to stay friends came down to the only other relationship she had with another young female; Fran. Her sister was a bully to her, or so Quinn had always felt, but her father had told her over the summer that the things she did were because she loved Quinn and didn't know how else to show it.

That seemed understandable now, she definitely didn't know how to show it and not only was she developmentally unable to express her complex feelings, she was a Fabray and Fabray's didn't talk about such things, period. Mind made up she waited until recess, marched up to the girl and kicked her square in the thigh pouring all her feelings into it.

Santana buckled under the blow and looked up at Quinn with tears streaming down her face before she began to cry in earnest. Admittedly Quinn felt a little bad because Fran had done it to her and she knew it hurt, but she figured the tears meant she had done it right. Proud of properly delivering her message she marched back to her side of the playground to let Santana take it all in.

To her surprise, Santana spent even less time around her after that. Quinn was baffled.

Then she figured she would have to do it more than once because Fran did stuff to her all the time, and she figured Santana at least sort of understood because she never told the teacher. So she did everything in her power to make Santana understand. She slapped food out of her hands, pushed her down, pulled her hair (that was her favorite because it was _so_ soft), and threw things at her whenever the teacher wasn't looking. This constant message delivering meant Santana was crying almost all the time and Quinn felt like she had to get it by now, and even better, because she was always in tears the other kids started to avoid her. It was perfect!

Quinn waited for Santana to come to her, if not for understanding of what Quinn was trying to tell her at least to ask what it was all about (not that she would tell but the idea appealed anyway). Instead she spent her free time sulking by herself and Quinn felt desperate because she was running out of ideas (though she kept up the hair pulling because it was seriously the best part of her day), and maybe she would have figured it all out in time to change everything, but then _**she**_ came and ruined any chance of that. _**She**_ ruined any chance of them.

That damn Brittany Pierce.

The blonde arrived in the middle of the year as Santana had the year before, trembling like she had, but openly crying like she had not. Quinn just saw another girl like everyone else in the class, she was neither intrigued nor interested, but Santana did not share that opinion. Maybe it was because she knew what it was like to be new, or maybe it was something about how the other girl looked so pathetic with tears running down her face and splashing on the floor. Whatever it was, it made the dark skinned girl get up and move to her side and they were inseparable for the rest of the day.

Quinn watched them darkly wishing the other blonde would just go away so her friend would come back to her, but she didn't. As a matter of fact she never did. Weeks went by and the only person Santana would associate with anymore was Brittany and it made Quinn squirm with jealousy. It really made no sense because Santana found ways to spend time with Brittany that she hadn't found to spend time with Quinn and that was inexplicable. What did Brittany have that Quinn didn't? They were both small and blonde, but Quinn dressed better and had more of her teeth in her mouth so that meant she was better right? The only difference was that Brittany had the brightest blues eyes she had ever seen and even Quinn had to admit they were unusual even amongst all the other blue eyed kids in the class.

So she started to hate Brittany. Brittany and her damned friend stealing blue eyes.

Quinn had zero idea as to what to do about it though. She tried to sit by Santana or offer her crayons, but the other girl would quickly move away taking her new blonde with her. It made Quinn the saddest she had ever been in her few years on earth.

Summer came and went again and upon entering the school for the first time as a second grader Quinn felt like she could finally have a friend again. She had spent all of her vacation thinking over ways to make Santana like her again and decided that hitting her had been a bad idea since it obviously hadn't worked for Fran. After lots of thinking she settled on gifts as they were universal symbols of friendship. It had almost taken all summer to come up with the perfect present, but finally she chose to bring Santana some of her mother's homemade cookies, they were delicious and incredibly rare since her mother never really did anything anymore besides drink. Quinn had to sneak out of bed at night every night for a week and hide all of her mother's wine so she could be sober long enough for her to effectively beg for cookies and have a chance at getting them. She had even gotten the spanking of a lifetime later when her mother found all the wine bottles in her closet, but it had been worth it. She had the cookies.

She walked into the school on the first day and her eyes found Santana like a compass finds North, regardless of anything else they just snapped to her. Quinn felt her chest flutter at seeing the girl and then it all came crashing down. There was Brittany standing next to her laughing like an idiot. She had completely forgotten about that damn blue eyed Brittany and her hold over Santana. Quinn felt her blood boil, but she managed to calm herself and walk up to her once best friend. The darker girls eyes narrowed when Quinn came close and it made her heart hurt, but instead of showing that pain she reached into her backpack and offered the cookies that were wrapped carefully in tin foil all pulled together with a pink bow. With a modest 'I got you these,' she placed them in Santana's hands and left because Brittany was looking at her like she might get something too and the only thing Quinn wanted to give her were the bad words she heard her mom use when she was very drunk.

The day went by too slowly as all Quinn could think about was whether or not Santana would respond to the gesture. The wait was made worse by knowing Brittany and Santana were somewhere behind her being friends (stupid alphabetical seating) and there was nothing she could do until recess.

When their play time finally did come Quinn decided to be optimistic, she didn't even take it as a bad sign when she turned to find the Latina and her little friend had already left. She dashed outside full of hope and she had to search hard for her as the playground was full of kids, some so big she couldn't see around them without taking a step back.

Eventually she found a sign of Santana but not the one she wanted at all.

There was Brittany sitting alone on the swings. Eating Quinn's cookies happily.

All Quinn saw was red, she ran up to the girl and shoved her off the swing as hard as she could and just so the smaller girl wouldn't mistake the gesture for affection she snatched the remaining cookie away from her and screamed 'I HATE YOU!'. Brittany sat in shock for a few seconds, her brain still trying to figure out how she got on the ground and then it all came to her. The blue eyes welled up with tears and she cried loudly and with wild abandon. Quinn wanted to hit her; What right did she have to cry?

Her thoughts of further confrontation were smashed as Santana arrived, shoved her bodily to the ground and took a defensive stance near her friend. Those brown eyes burned and even in her fear and hurt Quinn found them even more mesmerizing than the first time she'd seen them. She was broken from the spell by the dark and hateful way she spat 'Get away from us.'

In all her efforts to convey a point she had failed to express anything as clearly as Santana was expressing that their friendship was officially dead and gone.

It was crushing.

She didn't cry when she got up. Nor did she cry at lunch or for the rest of the day, but when she got home and had closed her bedroom door she cried until there was nothing left and then cried some more.

The particulars escaped her older self, but second grade sucked for Quinn.

Every day she watched the only girl she wanted to be friends with play with someone else all while totally uninteresting kids came up and offered her candy or sandwiches or asked to play games with her. She didn't want any of their company, she still just wanted to sit next to the girl with the beautiful skin, captivating eyes and feather soft hair and just be. But seeing as Santana only acknowledged her existence long enough to send her hateful glares she started to accept a few of the many offers to play, though it never got any easier to see Santana coloring alone in a corner with Brittany, and every time she heard the other blonde laugh she had the urge to scream at her to shut up.

On the whole the entire thing was a blur but there was something she remembered, there was something she always remembered because it was one of those life lessons one never forgets.

Quinn was watching Brittany and Santana play out of the corner of her eye because there was no other way for her to observe them without getting glares in return. Santana was bouncing a ball to Brittany who was all sorts of uncoordinated and missed catching it almost every time. It seemed absurd since she was a little taller than Santana (but still shorter than Quinn; HA! Take _that_ blue eyes!) and should have easily been able to pluck it out of the air. One bounce in particular went straight for the girl, any other kid would have caught it, and the blonde even had her hands up in the right position, but they didn't stop the ball from flying through them and smacking her in the face.

Brittany collapsed to her knees, tears already spilling down her cheeks, and Quinn caught herself halfway between being satisfied at witnessing the hit and irritated that the person Santana deemed so interesting was such a crybaby. She looked on as Santana rushed to her side and when Brittany began to wail in earnest Quinn almost laughed out loud, until she saw the most gentle and warming look come over Santana's face as she wrapped her arms around her crying friend and said 'Lo siento'.

Quinn didn't know what it meant at the time but she, just like Brittany, understood it to be an apology and Quinn felt a rush of shame and anger in the form of self loathing. Apologizing. It had never occurred to her to just walk up to the other girl and say sorry for what she had done.

Even as she realized this she saw the calming effect the words had on Brittany, the girls tears wound down to sobs and soon her face was dry and a happy smile reappeared on her face.

Realizing how easy it was made her want to jump up and apologize immediately, but Santana caught her staring and fixed that warning yet alluring stare on her again and Quinn sat rooted to the spot. She couldn't go, not now not ever. Though it pained her like nothing else she decided to just give up on ever being Santana's friend again, it was fine to just watch her from afar because it wasn't like she had been doing anything different up close (except when she had been trying to deliver her message and there had been hair pulling, oh how she missed the hair pulling).

Quinn became quite comfortable in her role as observer, throughout elementary school she learned how to watch Santana closely without her noticing, though she could swear sometimes she _just_ missed catching Brittany staring at _her_. She made new friends, though none as interesting as the girl who even now remained the only kid in the school with raven hair, dark brown eyes and caramel skin.

Everything settled and Quinn could feel herself healing from her obsession. Watching the other girl was fine and as they began their last year of elementary school she found that she was okay letting go.

And then that damn Brittany Pierce fucked it all up. Bless her.

Quinn entered their homeroom class like she had every other year and moved to the seat she'd had for the past two (only because Kevin Davis had begun attendance and had pushed her back a seat) and tossed her bag down only to be greeted by none other than a bubbly Brittany.

They had gone to school together for years, but Quinn still hadn't said anything directly to the girl since she shoved her off the swing in the second grade. It was awkward to say the least but you wouldn't have been able to tell by Brittany. She was practically bouncing.

"Hi Quinn, wanna cookie?" she asked offering what looked like chocolate vomit with white flecks in it (marshmallows?).

She glanced at the objects (food?) trying to work out if this was some sort of cruel joke or if she was trying to make some sort of threat, "Why would I want cookies from you?"

"Because Santana and I were baking cookies over the summer and I said it was weird how angry you got when you saw me eating some, and Santana said it was because you are a bully, but I thought that can't be it, but then I remembered you gave _Santana_ the cookies and you must have only meant them for her so I thought it would be nice to give you some of ours to say sorry that I ate them."

That all came out as one breath and Quinn spent more time marveling how she said it all under fifteen seconds without passing out than the actual content.

"Why would you care either way?"

"'Cause Santana said you used to be nice then you got mean, but you don't seem mean to me, you seem lonely."

Quinn bristled at that, "I am not lonely!"

"But you always look at her like you miss her," she said carefully knowing she was irritating the other girl now.

Quinn's mouth fell open at the accusation, "I don't- I didn't- We were in kindergarten the last time we got along! That was forever ago I don't care what she does now!" she growled and her eyes (like friggin always) snapped to Santana who was at the far corner of the room, well out of ear shot, apparently as excited about the exchange as Quinn was. She realized her mistake a tick too late as her eyes zipped back to Brittany's bright blues twinkling knowingly.

"You miss her. She misses you too cause all she did the first year I was here was talk about you."

"Brittany we're about to be in middle school, that's like a step away from full grown adult, I don't need friends from when I was a baby."

"Come on Quinn!" she whined her blue eyes begging, "I want to be your friend too. I feel really bad that you guys stopped talking, I know you wanted to still be her friend 'cause you made the cookies and you were so mad when I ate some."

On the one hand she wanted to tell Brittany to take her cookies and shove them, she wanted to ignore the offer of friendship on the grounds that she was too old to be bothered with things so long in the past. On the other hand the thought of having a way to be close to Santana again was titillating and Quinn had no idea why.

"Whatever," she grumbled and took the still eagerly offered disaster cookies.

Brittany smiled wide and Quinn hid a reciprocating grin as she stuffed one of the brown lumps into her mouth.

If she hadn't been so sure Brittany was a simple girl she would have accused her of attempted murder with pastries.

Santana did not take well to Quinn moving in on her time with Brittany and Quinn was perfectly content to go back to her role of observer, but the blue eyed blonde would have none of it. If Santana acted so much as grouchy about Quinn's presence Brittany wouldn't talk to her until her attitude changed, and with silence as a punishment the attitude only displayed itself in full force once. Though Santana did make her displeasure clear in subtle ways, the most common of which was the resurrected glare. Quinn didn't mind too much though, it was nice to be close to her again, and eventually, in Brittany's absence, she was finally able to apologize. Though it didn't go as planned.

She was able to say she was sorry for all the kicks and the (sweet, sweet) hairpulls, all of it, but Santana looked confused as she had no recollection of any such things. 'The only person you should apologize to is Britt because she's really nice and you hurt her for no reason,' was the only reply Santana had to offer and Quinn was perplexed.

The only thing Santana cared about was Brittany.

And that hurt more than she thought it would.

But she apologized in full view of the Latina anyway.

Brittany had waved it off and sworn all was forgiven and even Santana seemed less sulky after she did it. It was then that the three started a real and honest friendship.

That year was the first and last time Quinn allowed herself to not be in control of the dynamics of her social circle. In the beginning it was nothing but fun, they laughed and played together and there were even times when Santana would lean on Quinn and the blonde would be able to feel that hair again (without pulling it). Sure the deal was soured with Brittany, but she had to admit it wasn't all that bad, Quinn could quickly figure out what it was about her that kept Santana's attention. Brittany was clumsy, short and (in Quinn's opinion) a little stupid, but she was also cute, loving, and incredibly generous, in the face of these traits (added to her inability to pick up on Quinn's subtly aggressive remarks) she couldn't truly hate the girl and by the end of the year honestly considered her a friend.

Until the week before summer vacation where she found out Brittany and Santana were going to get to visit the Grand Canyon together. Without her.

Granted it wasn't their fault, their parents were now friends and naturally they tried to make matching summer plans. Quinn's parents had an aversion to being friendly with Santana's for reasons she wouldn't discover for another three years when she would begin to understand the concept of illegal immigrants and how her parents thought everyone who wasn't white and American was one.

She was jealous of them and their summer plans and the way they talked about them in front of her like she wanted to know about how much fun she wouldn't get to have with them. When the last day of school came around they waved goodbye and their parents came to pick them up in a giant RV that shone in the sun like a glittering train to paradise… that Quinn couldn't board. The sight almost made her cry with want.

Brittany had bounced back to her and promised to bring her back something good before she linked pinkies with Santana and they disappeared into the vehicle making a grand exit that left more than Quinn gaping after them.

That summer she went to her grandparents (on her father's side) after a nine hour car ride where her mother threw a fit four times, her father started a car game that ended before Quinn could learn the rules (because Fran is a brat and wanted to quit after their mother got the first point), and Fran kicked, poked and teased her the whole time in the back seat.

Once they arrived her grandfather just sat sternly staring out at nothing and her grandmother tried to feed her foods she thought looked worse than Brittany's cookies saying she needed to 'Put some meat on those bones.'

When she wasn't hiding from Fran or trying not to throw up the awful meals they were served she sat wishing she could see Santana. At least she did for the first week. After that she decided it was time for change, she wasn't going to let the Latina be another thing in her life she couldn't control.

By the time they got back to Ohio Quinn had it all worked out. She was over her obsession. She had concluded that because Santana was the only girl with her complexion in the whole school her fascination was based on the girl's uniqueness. She had seen many people of varying skin tones over the summer while in Pennsylvania and the novelty was gone. There was no longer any need for them to even be friends.

So when she walked into school for the first day of the sixth grade it was upsetting to find the game had completely changed.

Her eyes found Santana like they always had every year for seven years, but she didn't even know it at first. The girl stole her breath away all over again, the game had changed because Santana had changed, the Latina had changed a lot. Her hair was even longer now and that beautifully browned skin was a bit darker in a way that complemented her eyes perfectly. Her face was leaner, her lips were fuller, and she was taller, though not as tall as Brittany who stood next to her looking like a giant with a deep tan and sun bleached hair.

Quinn approached and tried not to look as stunned as she felt. They had changed so much without her. They were growing up and she was staying the same. How on earth had this happened?

Brittany saw her, squealed with joy and almost toppled her over with excitement, her mouth going a mile a minute as she rattled off as many details about their trip as she could all at once.

Santana interjected with a 'Jeez let her breathe Britt,' and Quinn was gone; a soul lost at sea. Not only had Santana's looks changed but her voice had too. It was like audible chocolate in her ears, smooth, husky and perfect. Quinn realized that there was no one like Santana in the entire world and she had been so stupid to think she was over her (and there was soo much more hair to touch).

Brittany let her go and showed her all the things they brought back for her (t-shirts, pens, pencils, a snow globe), but all Quinn could do was wait for Santana to speak again and when she did it made her ears warm.

As it turned out Brittany and Santana weren't the only things that had changed. There were lots of new kids, and many of the old had moved away. There was a boy called Noah who was bigger than anyone in their class and had skin akin to Santana's (though he doesn't mesmerize her like she does) who likes to talk about things only adults should talk about and his runty friend Finn who always seemed interested and embarrassed by his companions stories. She even saw an Asian boy named Mike which surprises her because for a while she thought Asians were something made up to make American kids try harder, at least that was what Fran told her (thinking back on the source it had been stupid to believe that regardless).

The new kids brought a whole new dynamic to school that Quinn couldn't possibly say she liked. The boys hovered around more than she was comfortable with and Noah kept talking to her about sports and stuff (to impress her? Not working) and Mike talked to Brittany lots, but the other blonde seemed to enjoy his attention much more than Quinn enjoyed Noah's. This clearly infuriated Santana and with this Quinn saw her in.

She had been aware from the beginning that she was the extra wheel and now she saw how she could put an end to that. She would become the group's alpha, a necessary link that brought her from being the extra person at lunch and recess to the person the other two would have to wait for before they could go. It was as simple as showing that she could control who came near Brittany, and Santana would stay near her. So she did.

It only took a well placed knee to the groin to get Mike too scared to come near her and she found when she looked into Noah's eyes and batted her lashes she could get him to do anything. So she had him beat up anyone who tried to give them trouble, effectively keeping any potential Mike's away and allowing her to keep from having to get her hands (knees) dirty as an enforcer. This became particularly handy as she started to realize that not everyone was as small as Mike and some weekends the boys would go home and seemingly grow a foot, luckily for every inch the other boys grew Noah seemed to sprout one taller so he kept the edge.

The plan was rather perfect and as she had suspected Santana kept close by her (and subsequently Noah) to keep Brittany to herself. Quinn was even able to get her parents to let the other two girls visit and they played at her house for hours almost every day.

It was all going so well until Fran burst her bubble of happiness (what was new in the world?).

"So, what are all three of you going to grow up and be lesbians together?" had been her question one night right after she had come home from Santana's where she had spent the whole day playing with her two best friends.

Quinn never knew why Fran asked her that.

She had gone to her father's study afterwards and looked up the definition of lesbian in the dictionary (she wasn't allowed to use the computer without supervision yet and she was pretty sure she didn't want them knowing what she was looking up). The moment she read it was like being in a room and hearing her name called when she wasn't expecting it. It was a little surprising finding a definition for what she felt, but she knew right away that this was a description of her, and more than likely Santana too, maybe even Brittany. Quinn had wondered why Fran would bother to call her a name that wasn't hurtful but astutely accurate. She wondered until one day at dinner she discovered that lesbians fell under the category of fags, dykes and gender bending freaks that her father ranted and raved furiously about.

After she figured that out she decided to keep the information to herself.

More importantly she needed to keep it from anyone else who could figure it out as easily as Fran had.

So she did what she did best. Manipulate.

It was beyond easy at this point, Santana and Brittany believed every word out of her mouth because every word was said with outright conviction and an air of unflappability that others naturally believed (a technique she had learned when asked by Fran if she thought the boys walking around in their summer clothes were hot and Quinn really, really wanted her to believe the answer was yes).

She convinced them that middle school was where they needed to learn how to be on top, that they needed to gain a reputation and more importantly they needed to attract the attention of the boys. Santana had not liked that in the slightest, but Brittany seemed fine with it and, with them so keen on the idea, Quinn was sure Santana didn't want to seem weird, so she went along with it.

It wasn't hard because honestly the three of them had already gained the attention of every boy in the school, all Quinn had to do was get Noah to back down when they came calling. Quinn supposed that it should have bothered her how being with boys made her realize how much she preferred girls, but it didn't. Maybe because she was used to hiding parts of herself from the world (especially her family). It was just another thing in a long list that no one knew about her. As an offhanded way to make sure she even kissed Noah one afternoon behind the gym during recess, it had been wet and awkward and nowhere near as good as he had always bragged kissing him would be. That kiss sort of settled the matter for her, but it did bother her to see the dumbstruck look in his eyes afterwards, a look that was always sort of there whenever they saw each other after that.

By the seventh grade Quinn could tell Santana had come to the same conclusion she had about kissing boys, but instead of keeping them at an arms length she seemed to be trying crazy hard to like it better. She assumed it was because she saw Brittany being such a natural at it, that girl could kiss a boy breathless and then trot off to skip rope like nothing had happened. But Quinn saw Santana struggling through it, the way she had to squeeze her eyes shut every time or that almost comical look of disappointment after. Most of all she saw the way she stared at Brittany with a look of loss whenever the other girl was prancing around the school yard kissing boys like it was a game of tag.

By eighth grade both she and Santana were world class actresses though, Quinn opted to hide behind religion as a shield to minimize her contact with guys and when she did have to she would just imagine they were someone she wanted to kiss. Someone with much fuller lips.

Santana just learned to live the lie as Quinn realized one day as they sat underneath a tree at the far end of the recess yard watching they boys run track. Santana had gone on and on with Brittany about how great kissing was and how good they were at it and which of the boys were the best. Santana was almost frightening in her eagerness to get to high school, she was convinced that was where all the really good male/female interactions happened (Quinn almost winced in irritation at herself when she recalled it was her that had been spewing all that shit).

Regardless Quinn had a plan, for two years she had researched everything about high school one could know. Like how being a cheerleader would not only put her high up on the social pyramid but, according to forums, was also a popular hetero-girl type of activity (though given the short skirts, splits, catching and general physicality of it she wasn't sure why). It came with the added bonus of cheer camp.

The camp was actually the main reason she began to press that they become cheerleaders in high school, but she presented the idea backwards to them, starting by listing all the perks and ending with how they should sign up for camp to increase their chances of joining freshman year. This plan was nothing more than a cleverly disguised ploy to finally get to spend a summer with Santana (and okay Brittany too) because she was outright sick of being left out.

Cheer camp was the first totally manipulative move she ever made that wasn't met with even the slightest resistance. Santana was thrilled by the thought and Brittany was nervous but excited. Quinn had wondered what the thoroughly uncoordinated, tall girl would do given the athleticism involved, but the other blonde assured her she would be fine, apparently her parents had worried about her lack of coordination too and sent her to dance classes to help.

They got into the camp easily and to her complete and total delight they were naturals, it boosted her spirits even higher to know that her knack for command made her team leader, and there was a minor bonus of sharing a cabin with her friends (so it was her favorite fact about the whole damn camp, whatever).

Not only was she sharing a cabin with them but she was sharing a cabin with only them (the girl in the bunk below her had gotten sick and gone home). Sure Santana complained about all the exercise and the early mornings, but both Quinn and Brittany could tell she was just complaining to complain (her brown eyes lit up in the most alluring way when she talked about beating the other girls in training exercises).

It was perfection for Quinn.

At first.

In the beginning it was everything she had planned. They stayed up late and talked about anything and everything (though Quinn determinedly kept the conversation off boys), and they played games, told secrets and even ghost stories (mainly because Brittany was so easy to scare and it was so fun to do it). They even broke curfew a few times to swim in the lake and Quinn got to see Santana in a bikini (if she had been a boy that would have easily been the most embarrassing night of her life because she had never felt her body react that strongly that quickly). It all went so well, until it didn't.

Quinn had no idea when it started, but she remembered the first time she woke up in the middle of the night to find the others gone. When she asked them about it the next day Brittany mumbled something about following a unicorn into the woods and Santana just blushed furiously. She found that weird, but everything that happened around Brittany was weird so she wrote it off.

Then it started happening every week, then every other day, she was alone more than she was with them anymore and it stung. Bad. At first she thought it was her, that they had just decided to stop following her lead, that they were ready to do their own thing. But then she caught Santana giving Brittany _that_ look when the taller girl wasn't looking, that same dumbstruck look Noah had given her and her stomach twisted in knots as she realized why they had been missing.

Quinn observed Santana closely in the vain hope that it wasn't what she thought, but as she saw Brittany handle Santana like a prize winning show dog she had to accept that hope was lost. In the beginning they both acted almost the same as before anything changed (besides Santana being _totally_ whipped), when they were together (on the rare night all three girls were in their cabin) they still talked and laughed and enjoyed each other. And just when Quinn was just getting used to things being like that, just when she thought she had adjusted to the new dynamic it changed. And not for the better.

It was their last day of camp, they had already signed up to audition for McKinley's Cheerios (which was weird because there were girls and boys from all over Ohio, but McKinley was the only one with a sign up booth and a cardboard cutout of their, hopefully, soon-to-be coach) and were about to get on the bus home. Quinn, Santana and Brittany stood excited to finally return home when Quinn had offhandedly said, "Back to the real world ladies, when we get to high school all eyes will be on us."

It was meant to be an inspiring thing to say, something to get them pumped for the upcoming school year, something for them to feel proud of. She had meant them to take pride in all they had accomplished at camp because it would soon pay off. Instead it just seemed to piss Santana off.

"I know that Quinn! Why do you always have to say stupid shit when no one asked you?"

Both Quinn and Brittany were shocked by her outburst and confusion was plainly written on both their faces, but the Latina stormed onto the bus without a backwards glance. Brittany had shrugged and followed and Quinn had frowned deeply. She could sense how severely everything was about to change.

She was right.

They had five whole days apart to get ready for school and on the first day of freshman year of high school Quinn was introduced to Bitch Santana.

The anger and snark was directed at everyone but Brittany and though the tall girl was normally the one that kept Santana in check in regards to their third friend, Quinn took it upon herself to keep the smaller girl in line. She shot back word for word with Bitch Santana until she just stormed off, Brittany hot on her trail chastising her for being mean to Quinn.

While Santana had been cultivating her Bitch side Quinn had worked quite hard on her Head Bitch In Charge side. It was something she knew she would have to be going into high school (she had found that out from years watching Fran with her friends in the living room from her hiding spot on the stairs) she just never expected to have to use it to keep Santana in line (at least not so soon), but she quickly became glad she had. Because as Santana began her reign as holy terror it boosted Quinn's reputation by default as she was the only one Santana answered to (and Brittany only no one knew that but Santana and Quinn).

All three of them made it on the Cheerios easily and right when that happened the game changed again.

Everything was constant stress.

First there was home.

Little had changed, but everything was different. Fran had gone to college and that left Quinn alone in a house meant for eight with two other people who expected a perfection from her that didn't exist in the world. A perfection her parents didn't even kind of posses and they all knew it. Still she worked like a hamster on a damn wheel to give them what they wanted. Her grades were perfect and she could fake the rest, her acting skills were top notch now.

Then there was Santana.

Yes the girl was bitchy, but when they joined the squad she became dangerously so. She could see Quinn was winning instantaneous favor in Coach Sylvester's eyes and she did anything and everything she could to undermine Quinn. The blonde had to stay sharp to keep the other girl in her place, she could have decided to use Brittany as a means of control, that would have been easy enough, but Quinn actually relished the attention. It was nerve wracking and sometimes painful (like the time Santana stole her spanks so she had to wear her winter pants in the summer heat, which earned her fifty suicides for dressing out of season), however, she couldn't help but sort of enjoy their arguments because… well Santana was gorgeous, but she was downright hot when she was mad.

And last but not least were the boys.

To begin with over the summer they had all transformed into taller, masculine, hulk versions of themselves, like these new guys showed up, ate the old ones, and started strutting around pretending to be them. Puck (Puck because he said Noah sounded stupid and Quinn supposed she could see his point as it was a bible character versus a Shakespeare character until he said it was after Puck from Gargoyles… she hadn't the strength nor the desire to deal with that…) had shaved his head into the most ridiculous mohawk and had apparently taken steroids because instead of being tall and wiry he was now thick solid muscle, and Finn had ingested some sort of growth hormone because she now had to crane her neck to look at him, even little Mike had shot up and his cute chubby face was now more lean. The boys she knew had morphed plus there were now all new guys on the freshman scene, not to mention all of the older kids who looked like the best kind of adults as they _drove_ to school in their _cars_. And as a Cheerio all these boys wanted to talk to her, and that wouldn't have been an issue, but they wanted to talk to Santana as well and that was too much for her to take on top of everything else.

So.

The Celibacy Club.

Yeah.

It was _supposed_ to be a way to keep the three friends close. It was _supposed_ to be a way to keep the boys at bay. It was _supposed_ to be taken at least slightly seriously. It was none of those things.

Once Santana was set free in the pool of high school she swam free and there was nothing Quinn could do to stop her. She could only watch as she flitted from person to person gaining a reputation that made Santana proud and Quinn flinch. She supposed she should have cared that Brittany had an even more infamous reputation, but she didn't outside of the fact that she was sure that Brittany's rumored fluidity directly corresponded to how much of a slut Santana was said to be.

It wasn't all bad though. Despite all else, they were still friends. They did almost everything together, and once again Quinn fought to accept the new layout. To accept what she was given and move on. She reprimanded herself constantly for even bothering to take such an interest in a grade school crush and everything leveled out. They found a routine. A hierarchy. And though they were the only three members of the Celibacy Club it was a reason to meet after school and talk about everything that was going on in their lives (even boys) though it was mostly Brittany and Santana sharing with Quinn and vice verca, the other two girls were never apart long enough to not know what the other was doing. (In Quinn's mind it's here that marked the last time everything was perfect, well as perfect as it could be given the circumstances).

The end of the year approached and that's when the scales started to tip. When Quinn's carefully stacked card house started to get top heavy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Swear I know the difference between present and past tense and how to use them but I wrote it how it flowed best so... yeah. Thanks for reading please leave a comment cause I love to hear them.


	2. Chapter 2

The first tremor was at Puck's year end party where, as usual, she Santana and Brittany showed up an hour late looking stunning. Quinn, of course, was the designated driver meaning she got to be as much of a flirt as she wanted without fear of a date rape drug or waking up with regrets (oh how she wished she had stuck to her guns on that one), and unfortunately was privy to all the party goings-on without the buzz of alcohol make it all better.

She had been talking to Finn when it happened, he was rambling stupidly about football and she was trying not to look as bored as she was (the only reason she had stumbled into this conversation was because he had mentioned that Coach Tanaka had all but promised him Team Captain). Then out on the dance floor she saw Santana dancing lewdly with some boy who looked like he might cum in his pants if she kept grinding on him the way she was. Quinn found it amusing and (she didn't even _try_ to lie to herself) incredibly sexy to watch, but turned her attention back to Finn (who somehow hadn't noticed her check out of the conversation) until she saw a flash of blonde and, moments later, loud whooping on the dance floor. She turned to see what in the hell it was all about and felt her mouth fall open at the sight of Brittany dancing with Santana in a way that was far too close to be friendly.

She had always known that they were more than best friends, but that didn't stop her from harboring feelings for Santana nor did it stop her heart from crumbling in on itself. And despite how it was shattering her heart into pieces and made her want to run away (and ignoring how in spite of that the sight of them dancing like they were made her underwear go damp), she moved forward and pulled the two (as it turns out incredibly drunk) girls apart.

This was met with dismay by every male in attendance and even Quinn heard a voice in her head groan at herself, but she collected their jackets and took them home because if she stayed there a second longer she would cry. On the drive back to Santana's she did a little, not that her passengers noticed since they were passed out in each other's laps.

Quinn had pulled herself together over the weekend, but she still needed time so she attempted to call off going to cheer camp another year, but Brittany and Santana made such a stink about it she signed them up for another summer.

Another summer of being alone in her bunk.

And when they did go places together Santana only had eyes for Brittany.

No matter what Quinn only had eyes for Santana.

She decided that summer that had to stop.

Sophomore year was another year of big changes and most of Quinn's own design.

Once Finn made Team Captain she walked up to him and formally informed him that they were now dating. Puck had been nearby, he looked like someone made him swallow a cactus. Quinn was declared head Cheerio by third period and by the end of the day everyone was calling them the power couple.

Now she had the Celibacy Club, her cross and a deep rooted disinterest in everything between a boys legs but she did still have needs. Needs that couldn't possibly be handled by making out with Finn Hudson of all people (the boy kissed like he was eating a sandwich and as unsexy as it sounds it is unsexier to experience). So she follows Santana's tactic of aggression (formally her tactic and she wonders later if there was ironic symmetry somewhere in there) and focuses on one person. Rachel Berry.

The girl is goofy, loud, obnoxious, poorly dressed and kind of cute.

She didn't captivate Quinn's soul like Santana has, not even close, but she has deep brown eyes and dark brown hair and a voice that is absolutely divine so she'll do. She's like diet Santana, for those who can't handle the rich heady flavor of the real thing (a phrasing that never ceased to make her tingle all over). Rachel is perfect, she almost makes things too easy. She posts videos and pictures up on her MySpace page (a page that had been hard to find because who the hell uses MySpace anymore?) and Quinn can watch and enjoy them at school provided she is sure to laugh derisively at them. She slushies the tiny girl and occasionally watches her change clothes in the restroom (not one of her prouder moments, but the distraction does what it's meant to do).

Things go awry when Rachel starts expressing an interest in Finn, they begin to boil when Finn seems to be interested right back.

She concocts a pointless scheme involving Glee Club to watch over them both, it is so convoluted and almost gets her thrown off the Cheerios all in the name of a straight girl she is crushing on and a boy she doesn't like.

Every once in a while she has to stop and actually _look_ at what she's doing, but usually those moments happen when she's doing something like standing in a bathroom stall drawing Rachel naked on the door and she stops stopping because looking makes her crazy.

Though joining Glee does allow her to see Santana dance and sing and there are even points during the numbers where she can touch her (she _knows_ that it's counterproductive and she does already get quite a few discrete feels in during Cheerios practice but she just _can't_ help herself).

The card house was crooked and shaking, but it was still, for the most part, intact and she was sure she could get through it.

Once again, everything was fine until it wasn't.

And it wasn't on Tuesday afternoon 5:34 pm, in the Science lab after Celibacy Club let out.

She would never forget it because as an adult she was pretty sure this was the moment she lost all hope of having a normal future.

Santana had shown up afterwards which was weird in itself because she hadn't come in months (the club now mostly consisted of Cheerios Quinn forced to go), and it was even weirder that she wasn't with Brittany who was usually attached to her hip these days.

The smaller girl had looked vulnerable and that was an incredibly rare occurrence, as a matter of fact she hadn't seen Santana look that way since elementary school. So she had waited patiently for the other girl to speak and it took a while before the Latina hopped up on a desk and began to swing her feet.

"How have you been?" the question is calm, conversational and totally contrary to the shifty look on her face.

"Fine," she tries because she would like to get to the point.

"Good."

And then came that painful, awful silence that made Quinn want to run up to the other girl, shake her and demand to know why she was looking so damn conflicted.

But she didn't have to because finally she spoke.

"So… I mean… you know about Brittany's list?"

Quinn frowned because she knew of the list and had an opinion of it that she decided to keep to herself, and she wasn't quite sure how she felt talking with Santana about Brittany's infamous Kissing (and, let's face it, Sex) List.

"Yes, I am aware of it."

"Well… I was talking to her about it," (a total and complete lie, she knew how much the mention of that list made Santana cringe) "and she said she had girls and guys on it and I thought that was a little weird, but you know how she is…"

Quinn really wanted their conversation to get to where it was going, but she knew one snide remark and Santana would have her shields up and at max power in a flash, "I do."

"So anyway we kind of have this bet going on," (there was no reason to call that a lie, but it was because she was tilting her head and looking at her nails in the way she did when she was telling a big one) "and I've kissed more people," (Quinn doubts that but doesn't want to think about it so she looks away in case Santana fails to display her tell) "but she's kissed boys and girls so she says her list is more valid than mine."

Quinn couldn't help but deadpan back at her, "Okay," she said carefully trying not to lose her temper because this visit was just hurtful and pointless.

"Anyhow I was wondering if you would be my girl," (Quinn's heart feels like it just exploded into a red mist) "to kiss, you know, to even it up. Nothing gay or anything. And I swear I won't tell anybody it was you."

Her heart pulls together in disappointment then almost explodes again after she comprehends the offer.

Quinn knows that it is a bad idea. For so many reasons. She can easily deduce that there is no bet and no list comparison meaning Santana is just plain asking to kiss her. Knowing how Santana feels about Brittany, but makes a point of teasing the (obviously) gay kid who flits around the school she can only assume her longtime friend is trying to honestly sort out her feelings about girls.

Scratch the previous statement; the idea is just plain terrible.

Quinn has always known her sexual preference and never at any point denied it to herself (to others yes, frequently and copiously albeit indirectly), but Santana was still struggling to see the truth. The fact that she was sleeping with Puck while obviously longing for Brittany was proof enough. Quinn knew that if she kissed the girl it would be wonderful and dream fulfilling and it would totally ruin her carefully fortified mental stability for all things concerning the darker girl. It was a setup for pain and she didn't like it.

Even so.

It was a chance to kiss the girl of her dreams, and honestly, when put that way, how could she say no?

She should have said no.

She didn't say no.

Quinn agreed and Santana seemed surprised, but pleased and they kissed in that lonely empty room at 5:39 pm and it was… it was everything. Earth shattering, time stopping, _totally_ arousing. It's fireworks on the Fourth of July, it's floating in the sky, it's… the best kiss Quinn ever had in her life.

There was tongue and she didn't mind in the least and she managed not to moan like the over excited virgin that she was when Santana moved closer. She doesn't think twice about wrapping her fingers in the hair she has loved from the moment she first laid eyes on it.

She doesn't know how long they kissed, but when they break apart they are both gasping for air and Quinn feels too unsteady to take so much as a step forward which is great news because if she could have she would have leapt forward and recaptured those now reddened lips.

"See? Totally not gay or anything," (it was literally the gayest thing they had ever done together) "thanks for the help," Santana said clearly trying not to be breathless and flushed.

Santana walked calmly out of the room and without even looking at a mirror Quinn knew she had that same stupid dumbstruck look on her face Puck had years ago (and sometimes now). It is now that she realizes for the first time what that face meant when paired with unrequited feelings. And she doesn't like it in the least.

Quinn knew at that moment that everything had flipped on her again and the rest of the year was going to be a fight for normalcy. Again she was right, but she was wrong to think that the kiss was where the life changing events would end (worse yet it would be years before she even knew to what extent that kiss had affected her).

The next few weeks weren't so bad. Nothing was awkward, Santana and Brittany even started coming to the Celibacy Club again and they even started to hang out like they used to. Then everything went from bad to apocalyptic.

Her cards fell in slow motion; the carefully stacked house fell off the table and scattered on the floor.

The start?

The locker room after cheer practice.

Quinn walked in after everyone else had gone (Sylvester had given a long speech about leadership, honor, crushing the Glee club and… something, she wasn't really listening) and was preparing to shower and go home when she heard something that made her pause.

The sound was low guttural and the voice that made it was not entirely unfamiliar, when she moved to the back of the locker room she saw Brittany pinned on one of the many narrow benches in between the aisles by Santana who was kissing her like it was her job and she was trying to get a promotion.

Quinn felt gypped (because her kiss hadn't been half as enthusiastic). And lost. And lonely. Santana had kissed her so damn well, but still went back to Brittany. She knew the Latina hadn't felt the same thing, but seeing living proof was agonizing, and she saw the way Brittany kissed her back and she wanted someone like that for herself. So bad. Even if it had to be secret, she wanted it so very badly.

And she wanted it from Santana.

And it wasn't going to happen.

She had immediately left to… she had no idea what, slushie Rachel, find Finn and tease him till he exploded all over himself like he did in the hot tub (her pleasure in other's discomfort is certainly a bad habit, but definitely a cure-all), instead she stumbled into Puck.

He saw her distress and offered to give her a ride home, and she wanted to refuse because Noah was sweet and kind whereas Puck is an ass, but she saw a glimpse of that dumbstruck boy still in his eyes and she wanted the companionship.

It was the wrong choice.

Well, _it_ wasn't, the car ride was pleasant and he even bought her Starbucks on the way. When he suggested they go to his house she said yes and that wasn't too bad either. The wine coolers were inarguably a mistake though. She was so busy trying to explain her problem without exposing herself she didn't realize she'd had seven and soon she was blubbering about how fat she felt, (which in a way was true as she was constantly comparing herself to Brittany and that girl was flawless) and how alone she was with Finn (also true).

He'd held her and comforted her and told her everything she wanted to hear.

Later she found he had also gotten her pregnant.

And the downhill coaster wasn't done falling yet.

She lied again and again and again (about everything; the fact that she was pregnant, the father of the baby, the actual number of weeks she was along). After a while even she was confused, and that was bad because she was in the middle of a shit storm with no umbrella and no sense of direction. Her parents kicked her out so promptly it had taken receiving her first piece of mail at Finn's house to really grasp it. Rachel opened her big (cute) mouth about the truth and Finn left her (not that she was sure why she had been so determined to keep him, but it was a blow all the same), and Puck was in one ear with how he wanted to be with her and out the other with his sex shark garbage. It was like Noah and Puck were fighting an eternal battle and randomly one or the other would pop out and greet her.

In the middle of it all she hardly saw Santana. Not that she wasn't there. On the contrary she was always at her side (though occasionally with a hurtful quip or two, but honestly she deserved them), but she was in such disbelief at her situation she didn't take the other girl in. She couldn't because she was convinced the pain of it might give her a miscarriage.

Though she does it anyway. They sing for her and Puck. The whole Glee Club sings for her and she feels like she should pack her bags for Hollywood because through the whole song she manages not to look like she's having her entrails ripped out.

Santana comes to her later and tells her that even though the song was sappy and stupid she really will be there for her. It's a sweet gesture (even though it has Brittany written all over it), but she takes it at face value and later in the week after she went home to Puck's house she found a box on her bed full of her favorite books and pictures from her home that she hadn't been given the time to pack. She suspected that Puck had something to do with disarming the security alarm, but he had never been in her house nor had she told him anything about the things in that box and what they meant to her. It was too indirect and shady to have been devised by Brittany, though there is a Get Well Soon card in the box indicating she was involved in some way (Quinn could only smile), meaning it was from Santana and Quinn was glad it wasn't possible to die for loving a person because she would have then.

Beyond that box Quinn doesn't recall much outside of Mercedes randomly being her savior from Puck's (the sad part was she knew Brittany or Santana's parents would have taken her in, but she just couldn't bear to be so low in front of them), and her mother asking her back home after kicking her father out. Probably because she learning for the first time what Quinn had known for years; their house was a cold lonesome place.

The year was shit.

So she threw it away like an old diaper.

That's kind of how she felt about what happened with her baby but honestly what does it matter anymore?

Summer hits and this year all three of them ditch cheer camp (because it is just _too_ easy after two years under Sylvester) so Quinn is on her own to lose the baby fat. For a while anyway because soon Santana joined her on her morning runs, but the blonde suspected she was only there because Brittany went to Italy for the summer. They run together and talk about all kinds of things and totally reconnect (she discovers that yes it was Santana's idea for them to break into her parents home and get her stuff) and it's good because they have always been friends and it was great to be back to the way they were before the craziness hit, but bad because Quinn can feel her heart swelling with love for the girl she knows she can't have.

Even if she wasn't scared of coming out.

Even though she no longer had a father to disappoint.

The love of her life's heart belonged to someone else.

The only solace she had was knowing Santana was just as firmly in denial as she always had been, though it was a little sad seeing her deny the truth even to herself.

Quinn even thought about bringing it up. Casually, maybe in the middle of a run. Until Santana informed her that she was going to get breast implants. That almost made the blonde trip and fall flat on her face.

She had always thought Santana's breast size was perfect, and she even said so before her brain was functional enough to turn the filter back on. Santana had let the complement slip with a sideways glance but pressed on saying she was getting it done over the weekend. She never said why, but it was pretty obvious it had everything to do with Brittany. Suddenly it wasn't so comforting to see Santana struggle with her feelings if they would lead her to do such rash things. Rash things like getting drunk and careless with some boy (and briefly the thought of Puck impregnating her friend filled her head and she almost threw up).

All attempts to dissuade the surgery were ignored and it irked Quinn to no end, even though the results were two mounds that she couldn't tear her eyes away from (she drove Santana home from the hospital and almost crashed twice). It took her the whole summer to recover, leaving Quinn alone again and irritated at the Latina for being so reckless for no reason (a nagging voice asked her how quickly she would go under the knife if she even _thought_ it would make Santana see her in _that_ way; she ignored it).

School started again and so did item 385 on the How to Fail at Proper Self-Expression list.

She ratted Santana out to Sylvester.

It was a low blow of the worst kind and she knew it when she did it, but she wanted her old life back (and, though she didn't want to admit it, wanted to be the center Santana's focus, if only for a moment, even if it was in anger). She knew Santana would blow up at her, she had expected it, hell she would have been worried if she hadn't. The smack was a surprise, but it shouldn't have been.

Quinn can feel herself tearing everything apart, everything she's worked for. For herself, for Santana, she feels her fingers ready to shred it all to bits and for a while she thinks she already has, but then there is Sam and he is so sweet and persistent (and somehow dumber than Finn) and she is able to take her mind off the whole thing just long enough for Brittany to work her magic and get Santana to talk to her again.

They are rocky at first, every word between them being bristly and irritated but just like she always had Brittany got them back to eating at Breadstix and laughing about old times.

Unfortunately it really was too late as it turned out. Quinn saw her fingers never moved and she was ready to rip it all apart. To rip everything to shreds because she's sick of it, she is sick to death of loving Santana, and she is sick of Sam (but he's so nice and oh so understanding) and she's sick of her mother still drinking like not a damn thing has changed and she is sick of her life (she's sick of hiding her true self, but what's that got to do with anything?). So began her passive aggressive assault on her life, she started by going after Finn again (which should have been a clear call for help to anyone listening) and Santana proves she is still trying on Rachel Berry sweaters in the closet of denial by snatching up Sam. Of course the moment he was gone she missed him dearly, or so she told herself when she saw him making out with Santana at Rachel's party. It wasn't that she was still infatuated with Santana because she was so over that shit.

Then she sees Brittany with Artie and she sees the heartbreak in Santana's face and it's all she can do not to just hold her till the pain stops.

Quinn decided two things that night before she got crazy drunk; to stay well away from Puck in any sort of secluded situation while intoxicated, and that she was a total idiot for continuing to try to not care about Santana.

A decision she makes too soon she thinks because maybe pretending to not care would have made _Landslide_ not feel like a knife to the back.

She always saw the two of them together and Santana never went a day without giving Brittany _that_ look. The, I-Want-You-More-Than-I-Want-My-Next-Breath, look, even if she never wanted to admit it. She looked at Brittany like she wanted to promise her forever and a day and when they sat down and sang, Quinn could see they would have it. They didn't see it, they wouldn't for a long time, but she did, she knew right then and there that there was quite literally no chance in hell for her with Santana. Ever.

So for the first time.

Finally.

She was able to let it go.

To let _her_ go.

Twelve years and finally she could let go because Quinn Fabray knew a lost cause when she saw one.

So she went after Finn yet again (she decided it was some form of self punishment) and she ran for Prom Queen (because what the hell else was there to do in Ohio?), and watched Brittany and Santana flounder in their own private, tragic, fated romance. Somewhere along the way she was even amicable enough to root for them.

At the end of Junior year she managed to keep herself together and even honestly connect with her friends once again (she really did love the haircut). During the summer however, she starts ripping at her life again but this time without the passive, it's plain aggressive. She couldn't be around Santana and Brittany anymore because it was just asking for the knife to be twisted in deeper, instead she spent it alone sending all sorts of warning signs to a mother that never noticed (but she hadn't realized yet that tearing her life down wouldn't give her a clean slate just a fuckload of rubble that would make it _that_ much harder to build a new one).

So she goes back to school just as she is and purposefully pulls away from everyone. But Rachel speeches at her and Santana even tries to call her back to reality (which is really saying something since she is already co-captain and needs more competition like she needs thunder thighs) and even Puck and Finn try. But it's Brittany who ultimately sways her ironically, when she comes to Quinn's house and actually sings her this cheesy love song about not letting her leave and always being there (the song choice is way too romantic and personal, but Quinn gets the point). And she tells the taller girl how inappropriate it is, Brittany shrugs and her blue eyes are sad and glimmering and again Quinn can see how she has Santana so thoroughly wrapped around her finger.

She rejoins Glee Club.

She watches Santana rent a cottage in Narnia and move in.

She watches Brittany pout until she agrees to move out and at least consider telling their friends about them.

All she really does is watch them (not all the time, she still hasn't rejoined the Cheerios and like most things she does she really isn't sure why).

They struggle through the whole thing, but to Quinn it was like watching a long movie with an overdone plot that she's seen a million times before and already knows the ending to (but it stars her favorite actress so she doesn't leave). So when graduation rolls around there aren't really any surprises.

Brittany gets held back, a fact that has her in tears because Santana is going to Columbia State and she is so scared they'll drift apart (Quinn was a little surprised at how much she hurt for Brittany when she told her because honestly she was over this whole thing already). But it was made better when, after receiving her diploma Santana asked Brittany to marry her on stage in front of everyone (granted Quinn hadn't really seen _that_ move coming but she knew the proposal was inevitable). Of course Brittany screamed out a 'Yes!' and the Glee Club erupted in applause (even Quinn; sure she knew how the movie was going to end but it didn't mean she didn't like it) because even though Santana thought her lesbianism was some big secret it was pretty much common knowledge to her friends by the end of Junior year.

Of course the proposal was the biggest thing to happen at a McKinley graduation since Rodney Parks ran on stage butt naked to get his diploma five years before.

It also made Brittany the only ever repeat Senior at McKinley that was engaged (let alone to a woman), and it drove all the boys absolutely wild (Quinn didn't get it but maybe because she was now extra forbidden fruit?), however, she only had eyes for Santana.

They were married the following year and the ceremony was massive (courtesy of Brittany's parents as Santana's hadn't gotten on board with the whole female/female marriage) and totally classy. There was every type of food and wine, the cake was enormous and instead of a bride and bride on top there were just two swans touching at the bill and chest to make a heart shape between them and Quinn found it incredibly appropriate.

There were speeches that were tear inducing, Quinn even said a few words having known them the longest, but she kept it simple and short (because yes she was happy for them, but it still stung like a thousand bee stings), their first dance was beautiful and the general festivities afterwards were pleasant and heartwarming.

Quinn lapped it all up (even though it went down her throat like broken glass) because she had put her hopes to rest (what little there had been) after _Landslide_ and considered their wedding a celebration of letting go.

Which made it weird when she really didn't.

After their wedding Santana and Brittany moved to New York where their marriage was legal and both began their professional lives (Santana going to Columbia University and Brittany doing fashion design of all things). Quinn stayed in Ohio for a few years, going to school for a general studies degree until her grades start to garner attention and one of her professors offers her a chance to work with his colleague at Cornell University. In New York.

So.

Feeling like a complete ass she goes and of course she looks up her old friends because apparently she is a glutton for punishment.

And she tells herself it won't be so bad after so long, that she has put it all to rest, and then she sees Santana and those dangerous smoky eyes, and that low voice and that hair (she can't believe she forgot how much she loved that hair) and she knows it was a mistake to call them. And she knows it's too late because Brittany is hugging her and talking excitedly like she used to do in elementary school and Santana is just looking amazed at her wife's ability to speak a mile a minute and it's all so nostalgic Quinn might cry. But she doesn't. She's a Fabray and now is a hell of a time to forget that.

They eat lunch and talk like old times, she finds that Brittany is doing quite well for herself in the fashion industry and had already been featured in several magazines. Santana was blazing through her courses and impressing her teachers quite thoroughly (she said it was because she was bad ass and Quinn knew it was because she wanted to graduate and start being the bread winner because that was just how she was built).

Quinn mentioned her successes and tried to keep the conversation out of her personal life which, with the exception of a few one night stands, was uneventful. Brittany did mention how after Santana graduated and got a couple of years under her belt at some company or another she wanted to start a family. Words that made Santana blush and Quinn nauseous because she was nowhere near ready to handle that (she vowed to be out of New York by then).

They met often, less than Brittany would have liked but well more than Quinn thought she could take. Watching Brittany or Santana walk into a room where the other was, was almost an unbearable experience in itself. Every time they would light up like they hadn't seen each other in years, they were so in love it was insufferable for a normal person let alone the poor soul who had feelings for one of them.

Later she discovered that Rachel and Kurt were around and she began to hang out with them as well and Puck did tours with his band in the city from time to time (mainly because he knew people he could crash with) and soon it started to really feel like old times. Only slightly better. Yes Brittany and Santana were a punch to the gut she could never get un-winded from but seeing the others made her feel less alone, even though not one of them knew the truth about her.

Well that wasn't entirely true.

Puck knew after she told him in a bar when she'd had _way_ too much to drink (breaking her promise about being alone _and_ drunk with Puck, but nothing happened so whatever). He was surprisingly cool about it though, of course, he made the obligatory sleezeball Puck jokes, but in the end he let her be and kept it to himself.

It really did help to have at least one person know.

And shortly after it was two.

Quinn didn't tell anyone else and Puck didn't either, _she_ managed to deduce it on her own, not only Quinn's sexuality but the truth of it.

That damn Brittany Pierce-Lopez.

"You're in love with Santana aren't you?"

The question had come out of nowhere.

Quinn and Brittany had been sitting in her and Santana's home in the dining room waiting for Brittany's significant other to return home when the taller blonde had just dropped the question like it was 'Would you like some tea?'

Quinn just stared at her open mouthed before she said, "No!"

"Yes you are," she said simply, and there was no malice or anger, just a simple statement of fact.

"I don't-" Quinn started but she could already see Brittany wasn't buying it, "I would never-"

"I know," she said with a soft smile (and Quinn is lost because why bring this up if this isn't a confrontation?).

"When… when did you work that one out?" she asks carefully (because Quinn knows a minefield when she sees one).

"I didn't until you told me just now, but I suspected when you pushed me off the swing."

Quinn scrunched up her face, "I never pushed you off a-" then she stops because she realizes she isn't thinking back far enough and she is so (very, very) surprised that Brittany still remembers that, "Oh, right. Sorry."

"You already apologized silly," she laughs.

"Did you, want me to leave or something?" because what do you say in this situation normally?

"No. Why?"

"I just sort of assumed you brought it up because it was bothering you."

"Not _bothering_ me, bothering me. It's like a riddle you think about for a long time, then give up and ask for the answer." (and somehow that makes perfect sense) "I don't blame you for loving her she's amazing."

"Yeah," she says (her throat feels like she has taken up sword swallowing when she knows she's bad at it).

Quinn felt a bit irate that Brittany was so damn confident that she wasn't a threat, that she never had been. And then she realized that was the case exactly. For the first time she realizes that the moment Santana laid eyes on Brittany she never had a shot, bullying kicks and swing shoves aside there was never a place for her.

She wanted to cry again.

She wanted to move to California because it's nice and sunny and so far away from Ohio _and_ New York.

But she stayed.

Like an idiot.

She watched years of her life pass with the only highlights being occasional beers with Puck when he passed through town, shopping with Kurt and Rachel and watching Santana (and yes she is always in Brittany's arms, but it's better than nothing).

Then Santana finishes her third year with _Garret and Forman_ and Brittany begins her pleas for a baby and suddenly Quinn prefers nothing.

Of course by now Quinn is one promotion away from being the Dean of one of the most prestigious elementary schools in the state. A position gained from knowing all the right people (and sleeping with a few of the wrong ones, but this _is_ New York). It earned her envy and hate all across the board, but with the salary being what it was she didn't care (and that fucking _stupid_ masochistic part of her brain says that she could help Santana and Brittany's baby receive an Ivy League education). The short version is she can't skip town like she planned.

So she gets ready to bleed herself dry on unfulfilled wishes and decides, what the hell? She can take it. It had to stop hurting at some point.

She was off to a positive start when Santana called her and mentioned they were actively trying for a baby and it just made her heart drop and tears run down her face. It was a much better reaction than she'd had the night before the wedding (which involved a pathetic display of sitting in the dark sobbing, holding the old box Santana had used to put her things in so long ago, while listening to sad love songs on repeat all night).

It was a great start.

Then it all flipped again, but not just Quinn's lonely island of sorrow.

The world flipped and crashed everything to the ceiling.


	3. Chapter 3

Quinn was asleep in her apartment when her phone rang (of course she was because she had no social life and it was 4 am), she grumbled, cursed and managed to grab it.

"Lo?" she said, any more than that was too much effort.

"Quinn?" it was Puck and it was too damn early for his shit.

"Noah, I'm not in the mood for-"

"Quinn, Brittany's dead," he bit out and she could tell the words were choking him.

The words also sobered her like a face full of ice cold water, "What?"

"A truck hit her, it wasn't her fault, but it hit her and it totaled her car," he was crying (she didn't know it yet, but she was too).

"Wha… wait… I don't…" it was too much tragedy, too fast, too early in the morning.

"It happened earlier, like seven last night and her parents were the first ones informed, but they are so stressed and," (his sobbing makes him hard to understand and Quinn's face is scrunched with the effort) "they called me to do it, but I can't Quinn, call me a coward or whatever, but I can't."

"Can't what?"

"I can't tell Santana."

Everything inside of Quinn froze and she looked at the receiver like it was a child rapist, she couldn't believe he woke her to put _this_ burden on _her_ shoulders. She could kill him! (she totally understands)

"Puck I can't…"

"Quinn she needs to come down to the morgue and identify the body." (Quinn can taste bile and she really wants to turn back time, unplug her phone and sleep guilt free)

"Why are you putting this on me?" she snapped and she could hear her own desperation and sorrow, making it all the more real.

"Because you're stronger than me, I can't do anything for her, I-" she hears him breaking down on the other end so she quits fighting it because she knows he won't do it and she won't be able sleep until someone does (which will take forever for someone to do because who volunteers for this?).

She tells him she'll do it (she is beginning to think that maybe she really is a masochist), and she is up, dressed and out the door in minutes.

It's raining (how cliché) and she cries loudly and messily in her car since the rain will wash it all away once she gets out and she knows that Santana is going to need her to be done with the tears.

She takes the long way, stops at all the yellow lights and even buys a cup of coffee (from a very worried street vendor who never asked what was wrong because this _is_ New York) just to give herself enough time to cry herself dry. Then, an hour and a half later, she was standing in front of Santana's door with her finger over the buzzer and her heart slamming into her ribs.

Fifteen more minutes passed before she had the courage to press it and the sound made her heart speed up. There was no answer for the first three rings and for a moment she felt like maybe she was off the hook. If there was no answer then there was no way she could tell Santana anything. Then a groggy voice answered and her heart sank to her stomach and stayed there.

"Hello?"

Quinn almost started crying again at the sound of her voice, but forced herself to pull it together.

"Santana it's Quinn," she said secretly proud of how strong her voice was.

"What the fuck Q it's like five in the morning."

"I know. Santana let me in please."

There was no answer, but the door buzzed and she pulled it open and began her long walk to the elevator.

As she stood inside the sterile metal box she tried to think of how in the hell to break the news. Puck had been too blunt… or had he? What was the right thing to do? She never seemed to know anymore and she missed the days when she had plans for everything whether they worked or not.

The elevator stopped (way too soon, she needed at least another three years), she stepped out, walked over to the door and knocked.

Santana stood there in boy shorts and a white t-shirt with a bad case of bed head that made her look so cute, and Quinn wished so much that she could make the other woman smile one more time, because she knows what she is going to say will take happiness away from her forever.

"Come on in," she said turning to go to the kitchen rubbing her eyes sleepily.

"Santana-" she starts, but her throat locks (a defense mechanism against causing so damn much pain?).

"What?" she growls and walks into the guest bedroom (they were going to make it a nursery…) and Quinn realizes with a gut wrenching pang that she's looking for Brittany.

"Santana come here," she says because she can't watch Santana's sleepy wanderings another second without bursting into tears.

The other woman walked over to her with a grumpy frown on her face and looked exasperatedly at Quinn, "What? I'm right here."

Quinn does the only thing she knows to do and pulls Santana into a tight hug (because she is going to break to pieces and something has to hold her together).

"Sweetheart, Brittany died in a car crash last night."

She feels Santana stiffen against her before violently wrenching away, "What?"

"I'm so sorry." (it's lame, but seriously what the hell else should she say?)

Santana turns and resumes her search in earnest, calling out for someone who is no longer there, who is no longer anywhere. When it is clear there is no one in the house but her and Quinn she comes back looking like a ghost of her former self, a terrified panicking ghost.

"She was on her way home from a photo shoot, she… she should be here."

"I'm _so_ sorry."

Santana looked like she couldn't even take it in, like the words were too much, "Wait, where did you say she was?" ('thought not' went through Quinn's mind)

"Santana she died. She's at the morgue," she was blunt because anything less wouldn't get through. Excess words would only give her hope to cling to that Quinn just didn't have the energy to take from her.

"You're lying! She was fine a few hours ago!" she snapped, but Quinn just stood still, she watched her dash off into the kitchen again as if Brittany might be hiding there. Then she came back out looking paler still, "She didn't eat the dinner I left her in the microwave," she said pointing as if it mattered at all, "She always eats it, even if she's not hungry…" her face began to fall further and she looked Quinn in the eye for the first time since the blonde had broken the news, "Are you sure?" the question was weak and small and so desperate for hope Quinn couldn't give.

"They need you to identify her, but yes we're pretty sure."

Then an look passed over her face (one that would haunt Quinn for the rest of her life), a look that told her it had sunk in, and she knew she was watching the only person she had ever loved shatter like a china cup thrown off a ten story building. She was watching Santana die inside.

Quickly she pulled her into that same hug again, tight and binding, because she knew what was going to happen and when Santana's knees buckled under her Quinn brought her carefully to the ground. She could feel the tears before she heard the most gut twisting sob break out of her mouth and the apartment was filled with the sounds of her sorrow. Quinn sat on the floor holding Santana tightly, holding her together because if she let go the smaller woman would surely break apart on the outside as well.

It was hours before Santana cried herself hoarse, a few more before she had no more tears and only two before she fell asleep, sobbing even in her state of rest. And all through it Quinn stayed at her side, determinedly not crying because she knew there was so much more to get through. The first hurdle came three hours later when Santana woke with the light in her eyes that said she had forgotten, then reality grabbed it's steel bat and hit her in the face as hard as it could and she was back to sobbing uncontrollably.

Quinn had to call out of work for two days in a row to stay with her friend before she finally got her up and dressed (but no less weepy), and to the morgue. Quinn already knew the only reason Santana agreed to go was because then maybe she could prove it wasn't true, maybe it would be some other blonde with a similar car.

Puck (clearly guilt tripping hard) got Rachel and Kurt to join him in being there for Santana at this juncture and, though it was a little late, Quinn was thankful.

A withered old man showed Santana the body and Quinn didn't even have to ask when she saw the brunette vault to the sink and throw up absolutely everything Quinn had worked so hard to get her to eat. Kurt and Rachel rushed to her side, cleaned her up and said soothing words while Quinn talked to the coroner with Puck.

They collect the necessary papers and the old man wheels Brittany away humming jauntily (like she's a damn pastry cart), and Quinn has to try not to hit him.

She takes Santana home, and Kurt, Rachel and Puck follow. They stay, and offer condolences (none of which are acknowledged because Santana had become a zombie), but eventually they all go home. Everyone but Quinn who remains because as much as she wants to leave and go to bed in her own room and just cry for a few days she doesn't trust Santana alone.

So she stays.

She even calls in all her sick days (her boss warns her that her future as Dean is in jeopardy, but who gives a fuck when Santana is comatose with grief) and stays until the funeral. Which is a whole new bag of suck because everyone is crying and it is so hard not to join them, but she stays strong, keeping Santana standing through the whole thing, and though the other woman hasn't said a single word since her initial breakdown Quinn hears the tiniest moan of despair when the coffin is lowered into the ground. It was almost no noise at all, but she heard it. She holds Santana tightly again because she's shaking and even though she's not crying Quinn can tell she's breaking again.

There were countless statements of 'Sorry for your loss' and 'If there's anything I can do…' but again the day ends and it's just Santana and Quinn (she knows why they're not around. The only thing sadder in the whole world than Brittany dying was her leaving Santana. She would be long gone too if she didn't love the woman so damn much) and it's just them for the weeks to come.

For the months to come.

Quinn had eventually just moved Santana to her apartment (with zero complaint from the other woman because she never said anything anymore, and she never went to work hence the need for the move) and set her up in one of her guest rooms where she sat staring at a wall all day until Quinn came home (and then she would stare at the floor).

She had to be reminded to eat, sleep and bathe and it was so depressing to be in a house with her, even when she couldn't see Santana she could _feel_ her sorrow in the air. Unless she could just plain hear it which wasn't unusual because the only way Quinn heard Santana's voice was when she cried into her pillow at night.

After seven months Santana was still a shell, she just moved from one location in the house to the next and she never left unless Quinn forced her (which was pointless seeing as how everywhere they went Santana would just sit staring blankly ahead). There were visitors for both of them now and again and even Mr. and Mrs. Pierce made an appearance, but Santana hadn't reacted (unless she counted the night after they left and Santana cried longer and louder than she had in ages).

Quinn took care of her anyway because she didn't know how to leave her and (more importantly) she didn't want to.

And like always, whenever she found some sort of Zen regarding her situation it changed on her.

Quinn always wondered if she wanted to classify what happened next as things getting better or worse.

Maybe both.

She had been coming into Santana's room to put her laundry away when she had to stop at the door because Santana was looking at her (in the loosest definition of the word, looking past is more accurate), Santana never looked at anyone. She never acknowledged another's presence even when it was obvious she could hear and understand. But she was looking at (past) Quinn now with the most pitiable expression.

"It should have been me. It should have been me, not her," she said, her voice was weak and scratchy (and so, so broken).

Quinn dropped the basket she had been holding and rushed to her side and held her (because she was pathetic and had nothing else in her comforting repertoire), "No, it shouldn't have been either of you."

"She died alone," it wasn't just the words, it was the way she said them that let Quinn know everything was crumbling in her again.

"She was never alone, not when she had you."

The crying started again and she held her through it, but this time when it was over Santana was looking at (past) her again and she leaned forward and Quinn had a second (slowed in her mind to about thirty minutes) to understand what was happening.

Santana was going to kiss her and she knew it was wrong, and desperate and not going to fix a damn thing. Quinn knew what to do; push her back gently and give her a light, chaste kiss on the forehead and tell her that it isn't what she wants. To tell Santana that she won't be her emotional dumping ground for her loss of Brittany because she wants (deserves) love and until the past is healed they can't do anything together.

It was perfect and it would protect both of their feelings.

But that kiss from so long ago, at 5:39 pm in the science lab of McKinley High came hurling through time to make her weak, to make her give in to the thing she had wanted so badly the moment she knew it existed.

Despite all the rational thoughts in her head, despite knowing how bad of an idea it was, she met Santana's lips and it was everything she remembered and more. It made her heart grow and burst and pull itself together to do it all again.

It was as bad of a mistake as mixing Puck and wine coolers (she didn't know that then but she knows it now).

They kissed slowly at first, it was gentle and soft, but it soon became needy and heated and Quinn knew they were headed somewhere neither could navigate back from, but she wasn't a strong enough person to stop herself (God how she wanted to stop herself). Clothes were removed and she felt Santana kissing her neck and driving her wild, it was so much way too fast, but instead of trying to rally herself to stop this disaster she was focusing all her attention on not coming on the spot from the way Santana was touching her breasts. And once she laced her fingers in that black hair she gave up even caring if the world burned around them.

Which was why it wasn't a deal breaker when Santana slapped her hand over Quinn's mouth every time she made a sound besides heavy breathing or when Santana came hard with Brittany's name on her lips.

Quinn knew it was a mistake before, during and after.

But after she decided she didn't care at all.

Because the sex had been meaningless to Santana, disrespectful to Quinn, and plain bad for both of them. It was also the best sex Quinn ever had.

After that Santana seemed to slowly reboot. She was by no means back to her old self, but she could be seen moving around the house more often and she occasionally spoke ('morning', 'yes' and 'no' were the top three responses of choice).

Quinn wasn't surprised when Santana pretended nothing had happened between them and the blonde felt it was for the better. It felt like it wasn't so much a mistake as a mild slip up.

Until it happened again.

And again.

After a while it was just a regular thing, it was sex that felt phenomenal and hurt them both. Quinn knew she was a stand in, she had always known. Santana wasn't with her she was with Brittany and she didn't want Quinn intruding, so she couldn't speak or call out Santana's name or vocalize too much because that would break the fantasy. She had to just accept Brittany's name panted in her ear because she wasn't needed. Quinn also had to accept Santana's total lack of contact outside of the bedroom. She didn't want to be touched or held intimately and bristled at terms of endearment.

But time passed and Santana began to say full sentences and even go outside on walks unbidden (the first time had scared the crap out of Quinn, but then the brunette had come home looking for all the world like her leaving was normal). Santana even looked into finding work again, but curiously not into finding a new apartment (not that Quinn was complaining).

Santana seemed to be getting better, but then the fits started.

The first one was terrifying because it was a new wrinkle in their setup and it was totally out of nowhere.

One moment Santana was sitting at the table reading a newspaper and the next she had ripped it in half and thrown her coffee mug at the wall. Quinn just watched in stunned silence as Santana's rampage made her break the chair she had been sitting in and use one of the broken legs to smash everything in her room that could be broken.

When it was over she just broke down in tears and Quinn could only hold her.

It was weird and frightening.

And like the sex it just kept happening, though thankfully not as frequently.

Quinn understood it however, she understood the rage that would suddenly overtake her, but she wished she didn't have to buy new furniture and kitchenware every time it did.

She supposes she should say something about, it but every time afterwards (Quinn is quite sure it's meant as an apology) Santana would go down on her and when Quinn's hands are buried in soft black hair and Santana is doing the most amazing things with her mouth she can't even remember the definition of reprimand.

She gets the Dean position. Whatever that means. Well it means a pay increase and a status boost and people brown nosing so hard her butt hurts, but she doesn't know what it _matters_ because she's tired from constantly repairing her house (while recovering from the world's most intense repeat orgasms) and she's tired from staying up and holding Santana's weeping form until she falls asleep and she's just plain tired.

Puck comes back in town for the first time since the funeral and meets her at her school (because he just can't face Santana yet and she still understands that) and they do lunch and all the other usual things.

They went for a walk and he asked about Santana and Quinn said she was better. He asked about her and she had to remain quiet because she isn't sure how big the lie will get by the end, but he gets it and keeps walking at her side.

He stays for almost a month at a hotel (he tells her it's because there are things that are hard to get done crashing on a friend's couch) and eventually comes to see Santana, Puck is the first to see her since she began talking again and Quinn isn't sure how she'll take guests, but she greets him with a (weak) smile and hugs him. They talk (about anything and everything _but_ Brittany) and Quinn fixes them lunch and if she closes her eyes she can almost pretend everything is like it was. She can ignore the sunken look of Santana's face and that blatant sorrow in her eyes and the equally wounded look in Puck's at seeing her. Quinn can pretend that they are three old friends talking about their careers and life, and if she lets herself really go she can pretend Brittany is just in the next room working on one of her designs or on the phone with a client.

When she opened her eyes afterwards she found she was crying and that was curious.

But no one noticed and the day went on in a relatively pleasant way.

Quinn found that whenever Santana 'orally apologized' for one of her fits the level of pleasure given seemed linked to the amount of damage caused (or possibly the amount of guilt felt). Three hours after Puck left Quinn felt her eyes roll back in her head from her fourth orgasm in a row and wondered how in the hell either of them had the stamina to go for the fifth that Santana was clearly working for.

A new dining set, china cabinet, couch, television, spackling and three coats of paint later, things seemed to be more or less back to normal.

The sex is still beyond great, the fits have stopped for the moment and Santana even starts working two days a week at a small firm dealing with small claims cases that she can work on from home.

But Quinn knows better than to get comfortable by now because every time she does life dips and dives on her.

She hates being right.

Quinn comes home early on a Thursday night to find Santana sitting at the dining room table with a knife pressed in her wrist, not deeply, but enough for a steady stream of blood to have pooled on the table. Quinn curses loudly, snatches it away and forces the other woman to the bathroom so she can stop the bleeding, Santana doesn't seem to mind, she just watches it all happen. And Quinn's heart is trying to pound its way out of her chest because she can't lose Santana too (losing Brittany already hurt **so** much more than she thought it would).

She screams and yells and demands to know what in the hell she'd been thinking, but the smaller woman is looking past her again (like she has always done) and simply says, 'I was trying to let the pain out, it's stuck in me and I was just trying to let it out.'

It was a ridiculous answer, but she can see in Santana's face that this is a woman out of options, that the hurt is so much more than she's even showing and she just wants it gone, even if she has to try insane things.

But she scared Quinn so bad she can't stop yelling at her to never do it again.

Unfortunately it's one yell too many because Santana's face turns stony and Quinn sees Bitch Santana a second before she hears her.

"Don't treat me like I'm a goddam child!"

"Then don't act like one and do stupid shit like this!" she yelled because she was angry and hurt, she tried not to because she knew it would help nothing.

"Fuck you Fabray! All you do is mope around your own home and play house with me because you're too pathetic to just go out and find someone for yourself! Don't try and slip into a spot you aren't qualified to fill! You aren't Brittany and you never will be!"

They both knew right when the words left Santana's mouth how endlessly sorry she was and they both knew there was nothing she could say to make it right.

"Quinn I-" Santana started, but the blonde turned and marched out the door shouting 'Do whatever the fuck you want!' before slamming the door and driving straight to Puck's hotel, praying he was alone.

He wasn't. But when he saw her face he made his lady caller scram and took Quinn in his arms and let her cry. It was weird being the one held because the last person to do it had been Mercedes after she had given up Beth.

Puck rocked her and shushed her and told her everything was okay. But it wasn't, because Quinn was so very hurt by what Santana had said even though every word of it had been true and her guts were shredded (it hurt _so_ bad). And worst of all, through her tears and pain, she really wanted to go home and make sure Santana hadn't done anything to herself.

At that point Quinn began to fully understand how hopelessly in love she was.

She cried into Puck's arms for hours and afterwards they lay together in bed all night, clothes on, just holding each other and it was far more intimate than anything she and Santana had done.

In the morning he tells her she should send Santana packing, that she had grieved enough and it's time for her to learn how to live life on her own. He tells Quinn how ill she's looking nowadays (she assumes that's true because there has to be a reason she has intentionally not stepped in front of a mirror in a year) and that Santana is being an emotional vampire and soon she'll drain Quinn dry and move on.

Maybe so, but Quinn was a willing victim, so she thanked him for his time, left (ignoring that sad look on his face) and drove home dreading what she would find.

At her door she paused because she had to consider what she would do if she opened the door and saw Santana lying dead.

The thought made her freeze there for another few minutes before she pushed the door open, her eyes frantically scanning the floor, but instead she was tackled from her left by a hug.

It was Santana and, even though she should have still been angry and she was still hurt, she hugged her back.

The first words she said were, 'Lo siento Quinn I'm so, so sorry, I didn't mean it,' and Quinn is forced back to seeing Santana kneel before Brittany and simply apologizing to her and the memory makes her eyes prickle and overflow (it somehow also puts a Band-Aid on her fresh gaping emotional wounds and it miraculously staunches the bleeding).

But she shakes her head into the other woman's warm and comforting shoulder, "You did, but it's alright because you aren't wrong. I do need to find someone, but I stick around because I love you." (Santana stiffens at that, but Quinn continues anyway) "I know I'm not Brittany, but I also know you need me to let you think I am sometimes."

Santana pulled away, her eyes trained on the floor, "I'm sorry about that too."

"Don't be. I know the only way to have you is to be her and I'm sure that makes me all kinds of pathetic, but I'll do it."

The statement makes Quinn feel bad for herself and she can see Santana does too,but she ignores it and for the first time she leans forward and kisses Santana. Never before had she instigated anything between them, but she was now and the smaller woman wasn't denying her.

And the sex that night was dangerously close to being called love making, but Quinn had no delusions because Santana wouldn't let her have them. Brittany's name still stayed on her lips and Quinn still kept her moans of pleasure inside, but the touches were more tender and slow and when Quinn came crashing over the edge she felt like she fell harder and farther than before.

After they lay in bed next to each other (another change because usually Santana immediately departs for her own room) looking at the darkness in the room not saying a word. There was only the sound of steady breathing before Santana said, 'Marry me.'

Quinn heard her and closed her eyes because she knew if she didn't she would cry again.

She knew what that meant, she knew why it was a statement and not a question. Because it was a plea.

It wasn't the 'Please share the rest of your life with me' that she had offered Brittany, this was a 'Please don't ever leave me'. A fraught appeal to Quinn's weak nature, to the blonde's unrequited love to stay with her, to suffer with her because no one else ever would (ever could). She was asking Quinn to damn herself to this life always and the tears really did fall when she gave the only answer she ever could give since that kiss at 5:39 pm in the science lab.

"Yes."

Their marriage was a quiet private affair and about as awkward as any one event could possibly be (mainly because half of the guests are shocked that Quinn's marrying a woman and the other half are shocked that Santana's getting married at all so no one knows what to say). Legally they were married but there was no wedding ceremony, just a small reception for family and close friends. Well, close friends; Santana's parents had been distant since her engagement to Brittany and Judy didn't believe her daughter could suddenly turn gay so dismissed the whole thing (and Fran was Fran, she wasn't invited because she wouldn't come). Puck, Mercedes, Rachel, Kurt and a few of Santana and Quinn's college friends showed, they ate dinner at a nice restaurant and talked about new times (because old times involved Brittany and no one was that stupid) and for the most part conversations were pleasant if not forced. Santana hardly spoke and Quinn was busy making polite conversation while ignoring the pity in her guest's eyes (especially Puck's) because everyone who had known them since McKinley knew exactly what this was (and how sad it was). They were married, yet they both kept their own names (Quinn Fabray and Santana Pierce-Lopez) and the whole thing stunk of desperation, but their newer friends seemed happiest (though not really happy) for them, maybe because they didn't know how far back the story went (they all knew of the love and loss Santana had experienced) but something about knowing all the facts since elementary school seemed to be a little too telling for their long time friends.

When the reception finished they said goodbye to their friends and went home. Quinn fully expected a fit, but instead Santana just curled up next to her on the couch and they watched television until they both fell asleep (would it be irony of foreshadowing that they have sex on almost every night, but their wedding night?).

Months pass and for the first time in seemingly ever Quinn is allowed to get comfortable in a routine, though the routine wasn't constant, it was there. Santana finally stopped destroying her (their) home at random and she even went out every now and again to visit friends. A new firm opened close to home so she began to work full time and Quinn was ecstatic. But between them personally everything was the same, she still looked at (past, sometimes through, to another universe) Quinn like she couldn't see her and the blonde wondered if her wife had any idea what she looked like.

During the day she was Quinn, but at night when they were alone in bed (turns out it was irony) she was still Brittany and she still had mind numbing orgasms (Oh how she wished they would also numb the pain in her heart). After sex Santana stays in bed with her, but she couldn't be farther away, and sometimes she just curls up and cries and Quinn is right there to hold her together.

So maybe the marriage isn't perfect and maybe Santana will never see her, but they do love each other (in vastly different ways). Quinn sometimes wonders what her life would be like if her parents had never moved to Ohio, or better yet had just sent her to a different kindergarten. She wonders if she still would have run into Santana and if so would she feel the same?

She wonders if she would have ever had a chance if so much of her life hadn't been spent loving (and pointlessly fighting loving) Santana.

She fell asleep on one night of many holding her weeping wife wondering if it could all be different, but knowing she wouldn't change a thing about her feelings for Santana. When it came down to it she couldn't even say she would change Santana's feelings for Brittany because the other woman was such a huge part of who she was. Quinn did wish Santana had loved her first though, because with the love Brittany and Santana shared Quinn had to just accept that she would always be a day late and a dollar short.


	4. Chapter 4

There is nothing to say.

There never is.

Though Santana usually cries in the night, this night is particularly bad, and Quinn wonders groggily as she holds the other woman what had woken her wife to put her in such misery.

Then she looks at the clock.

Then she looks at the date.

And she understands.

It is officially the anniversary of Brittany's death and Santana is tuned like clockwork to grieve for her the full 24 hour span of the day.

But even so, by usual anniversary breakdown standards, this one is bad.

It reminds her of the night it all happened and even though she has sworn to be done with the tears, and has been through this already, tonight must be special somehow because even Quinn can't stop thinking about the girl with blonde hair and (the friend stealing) blue eyes (Quinn smiles at the thought because of how fond the memory is now compared to how devastating it was then). For a moment she honestly and truly remembers her and (not for the first time) she finds it makes her cry, and not just a little bit (tears are flowing freely like a faucet with a broken handle).

She cries and holds Santana not knowing what in the hell is wrong with her until she realizes she has never truly grieved for Brittany. Yes she bawled in the car on the way to Santana's the night she died, though that had been partly for Brittany but mostly for herself and the pain she was going to have to bring someone she loved. At the funeral she had kept a stony face and every year after that she pushed thoughts of her further and further way (because they hurt and she needed all her strength to be a rock for Santana), but now the tears refuse to be held back and she lets them fall because suddenly she's so sorry she has kept herself from properly grieving for a friend (and despite everything, and what others thought, they _were_ friends).

It is sudden and random and has never happened before, but she still holds the brunette in her arms and rocks her slowly and tries to stop her from shaking like she's naked in sub zero temperatures.

Then she has a moment while thinking of the lost woman who changed both of their lives so much. She remembers something arbitrary, it's out of nowhere, but clear as day in her mind. Quinn remembers Brittany coming to her house and singing that (wildly inapt) song to her to get her to come back to her friends Senior year. The memory makes her laugh and smile faintly at how Brittany had sung it with all her heart, (even though the lyrics had hardly applied to them on the whole) and she had only thought back on it one other time since when she had been in her pre Santana/Brittany wedding funk and it had come on her iPod and it had made her cry harder, be damned if she knew why (maybe because it reminded her of the woman she was losing the love of her life to). And she isn't sure why she feels the need to sing it, the memory hurts and the song makes her see those blue eyes clearer, but she does because it feels right (maybe because instead of just missing her with all their might they would do better to remember her fondly or maybe because between her and Santana the song has a more direct meaning… maybe all of the above).

So she opens her mouth and sings to the weeping woman curled up into her like she is her only lifeline in a sea of sharks.

_When it's black,_

_Take a little time to hold yourself,_

_Take a little time to feel around,_

_Before it's gone,_

_You won't let go,_

_But you still keep on falling down,_

_Remember how you saved me now,_

_From all of my wrongs yeah,_

Santana continues to unravel in her arms, but she just sings louder, letting her tears fall freely but keeping her voice steady as she holds the other woman tighter.

_If there's love just feel it,_

_If there's life we'll see it,_

_This is no time to be alone, alone, yeah,_

_I, won't let you go,_

_Say those words,_

_Say those words like there's nothing else,_

_Close your eyes and you might believe,_

_That there is some way out yeah,_

Quinn looks at Santana as she sings, she pushes her soft hair out of her tear stained face and sings to her even though her eyes are somewhere distant and far away. Santana hadn't really looked at her since Brittany died, but maybe she could _hear_ her.

_Open up,_

_Open up your heart to me now,_

_Let it all come pouring out,_

_There's nothing I can't take,_

_If there's love just feel it,_

_And if there's life we'll see it,_

_This ain't no time to be alone, alone, yeah_

_I, won't let you go,_

She has no idea if she is helping anyone but herself with this, but she sings with all her might (just like Brittany had and in her mind that is the only way to do it) because she means her words so much. And she is allowing herself to remember her friend and really miss her for the first time and it hurts and it's crushing and it's freeing.

_If your sky is falling,_

_Just take my hand and hold it,_

_You don't have to be alone, alone, yeah,_

_I, won't let you go,_

_And if you feel the fading of the light,_

_And you're too weak to carry on the fight,_

_And all your friends that you count on have disappeared,_

_I'll be here, not gone, forever, holding on, Oh,_

Santana's crying is reduced to heaving sobs and Quinn thinks it might be helping so she keeps singing and kisses her temple softly before she finishes.

_If there's love just feel it,_

_And if there's life we'll see it,_

_This ain't no time to be alone, alone, yeah,_

_I, won't let you go,_

_If your sky is falling,_

_Just take my hand and hold it,_

_You don't have to be alone, alone, yeah,_

_I, won't let you go,_

She sings the final few repeated lines in almost a whisper because Santana has become still and quiet, though tears are still streaming down (Quinn knows her face is no better).

In the still quiet of the night she falls asleep indulging quietly in a cry that is long overdue.

Morning comes and Quinn finds herself asleep sitting up against the headboard of the bed and she notices that Santana is sleeping peacefully in her lap. A small smile graces her face because on this day she's usually making rounds on crying in every part of the house. So, careful not to disturb her, Quinn leans back and falls asleep again internally thanking Brittany for singing her that ridiculous (perfect) song all those years ago.

They sleep the day away and the next morning everything is back to normal and it continues to be so for the next few months.

But Quinn couldn't have known that her life started shifting again after that night.

It starts with a whisper.

Quinn isn't sure at first because she is fighting to keep her mouth shut (and that always takes all of her mental reserves when Santana touches her like she is), but she is pretty sure she heard 'Quinn' panted in her ear.

She ignores it as wishful thinking and concentrates on the wondrous sensations shooting through her, but she hears it again, slightly louder.

That alone almost sends her crashing into an orgasm and she tries to see Santana's face, but now it's buried in her shoulder muffing anything else she may (or may not) say. Before Santana sends her flying she decides she might need to get her ears checked because there is no way she heard what she thought she did.

Two days later she finds her ears are fine.

But she still doubts them.

Three years of marriage and not once has her wife called her name during sex and it would be depressing if her mind was trying to trick her into thinking that was the case now.

So she goes on about her life.

Then a week later she is sitting at the table eating breakfast and she catches Santana looking at her…but her eyes are on her.

Eyes. Are. On. Her.

Not over, around or through but _**on**_ and that feeling unnerves the shit out of her.

Suddenly she feels nervous, like a deer in headlights. She feels naked and exposed and not in a good way, so she chokes out a nervous and completely awkward, 'Hi.'

Santana seems almost surprised at the sound and then her face slides into an easy smirk and she just says 'Hey.'

Then they just stare at each other without saying a word.

Until Quinn gets anxious and mumbles something about having to go to work.

Work is normal and safe, work distracts her and keeps her from feeling like she might be going crazy. She makes phone calls, disciplines some students and subsequently has a few parent conferences, the day and everything in it is ordinary and her mind settles.

Then she goes home and Santana is there looking over some documents and doesn't stir as Quinn walks in and all is well again.

That night she is able to sleep without worry and she even has pleasant dreams of being a dolphin swimming with two others and they play and swim in the wakes of ships and generally have fun… until somehow under water she is falling, far and fast, before she hits the ground hard.

Quinn's eyes shoot open as she realizes she has actually fallen out of bed and a weak thud in the hip that isn't jammed painfully into the floor tells her she was kicked. Angrily she scrambles to her feet and sees Santana sitting up looking at her, those brown eyes sparking playfully in the dark.

Then she finds that again Santana is looking _**at**_ her and suddenly she's self conscious (she needs makeup and she can just tell her hair is everywhere) and standing barefoot in a wife beater and grey sweatpants doesn't exactly make her feel cute or sexy so she deflects her discomfort with mild anger (mild because she can tell the kick wasn't malicious).

"What the hell was that for?"

"You kicked me."

Quinn is reminded of a similar accusation of abuse from Brittany, she almost responds similarly until she finds the answer (she remembers this one immediately) and she is outright shocked Santana remembers as well.

"In the first grade!" she defends.

"Yeah, but I never got you back," it is a cheeky reply (and already more banter than they have shared their entire married life).

"I tried to apologize," she grumbles, crawls cautiously back into bed and pulls the covers almost up to her chin (to try and hide from that penetrating stare).

"No you didn't!" Santana snorts, but it's good natured and light.

"I did, but you told me to apologize to Brittany instead," Quinn says the name easily, but the moment she does she realizes it's the first time she's said it out loud in ages.

She expects Santana to shut down at the mention of the other blonde and she does, but not before saying 'Oh yeah. Because you pushed her off the swing.'

There is a blanketing silence that falls over them then and Santana's eyes are somewhere far away again, but Quinn doesn't let it go this time because she gets the weird feeling that the old Santana (the woman she once knew) was talking to her a moment before.

"You don't have to keep it to yourself," she says and she hopes Santana understands because she isn't really sure how to explain herself.

"Keep what to myself?" (Great. How to put this?)

"Brittany," she says and the moment she does she knows it's exactly what she means.

"What?"

"You keep her inside and fight with yourself about her and fall apart, then you put the battle on hold just long enough to rebuild so you can start the fight again and tear yourself to pieces over and over." (she knows she's struck a nerve because Santana is looking _**at**_ her again like Quinn's a creepy mind reader) "You don't need to do that. You can talk about her, you can love her, hell I know you can't help but love her. I can see you bouncing around between needing to move on, but not wanting to let go and hating yourself for thinking about it, and hating yourself more for not being stronger. I just… I just want you to know that moving on doesn't mean leaving her behind."

It is the first time they have ever even broached the subject of Brittany without Santana leaving or tuning her out completely and Quinn thinks that perhaps this might be a step forward.

But Santana just nods curtly and crawls under the covers with her back to Quinn and Quinn berates herself for even bothering to hope for the impossible.

Then, almost a week later, Santana invites her out for a walk (which is incredibly unusual for her) so they go out and wander the city until they end up at a small park. The day is bright and sunny and there isn't a soul in sight because it's noon on a weekday and they sit in the grass and talk for a long time (it's the first time they have talked like this in so long Quinn almost wishes it wasn't happening because she is going to miss it so much), the day is perfect, and in Quinn's (overly hopeful) opinion, kind of romantic.

They talk and lie in the grass watching the clouds and there is no reason for it other than; Why not?

Then everything gets extra serious because now Santana turns to her and bluntly asks, "Why did you stay single?"

They _had_ been talking about coworkers at their respective jobs and it takes her a moment to register the topic change. When she does she's embarrassed, but decides to be honest.

"I just never found anyone that made me feel the way you do."

Santana gives her about seven different variations on the What-The-Fuck stare before she replies, "Quinn our relationship isn't one I can picture you trying to get someone to mimic…"

She sighs, lays back on the grass and plays with her hands nervously, "Santana, I was crazy in love with you long before… you know… happened," she dances around the 'B' word because she just isn't ready for Santana to shut down again so soon.

Now the Latina is sitting up and looking at her with critical eyes, "Since when?"

"Well… I can tell you I kicked you so you would notice how I felt about you."

It's almost funny to watch Santana's reaction to that.

"How… wait how long did you know you were gay?"

"Since I learned the definition of lesbian." (and there is that face again)

"You never… How did I not know?" her disbelief is almost adorable.

"The same way you didn't know you were even though you were sleeping with Brittany. You're just a bit dense sometimes," Quinn jokes (she shouldn't have said it!).

Santana lay back on the ground and Quinn curses herself for not knowing how to shut the hell up, but right when she thinks Santana is done for the day she speaks again.

"I always thought I would have more time," she says, it's so quiet Quinn thinks she might be hearing things again, "There was so much I didn't say because I thought I would have forever to do it." Quinn doesn't move, she doesn't even breathe deeply because she is terrified of breaking the moment, "I loved her… I love her so much and I never told her how much. I mean I said I love you and stuff, but that doesn't even start to cover it. I thought I would have at _least_ seventy birthdays and Valentines days and Christmases and anniversaries to try and even begin to get the point across and then one day I wake up and she's just gone."

Santana's crying, but she is trying to hide it so Quinn looks at the sky to let her keep up the fight.

"You know she knew," she says because it's true.

"She deserved to have proof, she deserved better than me. So do you."

Quinn looks at her now, and to her surprise sees Santana looking _at_ her again, her eyes expressive and open like they haven't been since they had matching Care Bear book bags.

"You're selling yourself short."

"No I'm not. You are. You are so much better than me and I'm thankful that you stuck around this long but you owe yourself more."

Quinn shrugs and looks at the sky because she can't really look Santana in the eyes and say what she is about to say, "I couldn't be with someone else if I wanted to. You're my Brittany, loving you is in my blood."

There is another long silence before a quiet, "I'm sorry."

Then Quinn moves and holds herself over Santana who looks surprised and then almost shy.

"I'm not sorry I love you," Quinn says (and she's not, she never will be).

"Me either." (her eyes shift but not in the lying way, in the I'm-About-To-Say-Something-Mushy-Way and Quinn stops breathing) "You saved my life, Quinn. In so many ways."

She doesn't mean to, but Quinn sobs at that because it is impossible not to when her heart feels like it's really beating for the first time in ages and the rhythm is strong and commanding because it was just brought back to life. Doing her best to keep calm she quickly dries her eyes because she doesn't want to scare this Santana away (she hasn't seen her in so long).

"I'm sorry," she says again (the honest open look is still there, but the brown eyes are sad and tearful) "About me. About how I've treated you. It's just I've spent almost every moment of my life doing everything with Brittany, and that means everything reminds me of her, meaning everything hurts and it won't go away and after a while I'm willing to do anything to just get a moment to forget." (as she says this she rubs the faint scar still on her wrist)

Quinn grabs the other woman's hand and holds it to Santana's own chest while she looks into her brown eyes and prays that her next words are the right ones, "But you don't need to forget, Brittany will always be a part of you… and me, because she was the greatest thing to happen to my life too." (Santana looks at her like she doubts that, but listens anyway) "She kept us together no matter how we tried to drift apart, and to someone who loves you like I do, I loved her for it. Even if at the time it hurt to see you two together she made sure we were all friends. She knew how I felt about you and still wouldn't let me walk away and I will never stop being grateful for that. And, yes, I wished with all my heart you would have loved me like you loved her, but honestly it would have been disastrous. We were both too scared and closeted to have had anything, she was the one who got you to be not just true to yourself, but _proud_ of yourself. I never would have been able to, I would have been too afraid of losing you to push you into coming out, assuming I wasn't so scared myself and too terrified of my parents finding out. She was just what you needed, not me. Brittany made you into a woman that would come out to her parents, consequences be damned, and propose in front of hundreds of people without batting an eye. We both owe her so much and I think we've done her wrong to let her memory cause such pain because you know as well as I do that isn't what she'd want."

Santana smiles and it's real, vibrant and for her and Quinn's eyes are prickling because she had been so sure she would never see a genuine smile from her ever again.

"Maybe she kept us all together because she knew how much I would need someone as amazing as you one day."

Quinn can't help but laugh and cry at the same time (she wishes she could just turn the tears off, but she doesn't really care because Santana is looking _at_ her and she could swear she sees affection in those eyes). "She is the one who sang that song to me," she doesn't even have to explain that, they both know which song she is referring to.

Santana frowns, but it's an incredulous one, "Why would she do that?"

"To get me to come back to earth from my rebel days Senior year."

And Santana laughs.

Like the smile it's totally real and Quinn feels her eyes let loose again because she's missed the sound so very much (and it's even better than she remembered).

Quinn lies back down to try and hide her continued water works and then she and Santana actually _talk_ about Brittany. The things she used to say, her odd idioms and habits, and even about old times at camp (Santana filling in some of the missing gaps of their mysterious disappearances though Quinn is sure it's edited for modesty's sake). They laugh and cry and remember the woman they both now realize they should have never stopped talking about. Like singing her song talking about her sets so much free within both of them, Quinn feels so much closer to the woman she is spending her life with and Santana seems able to finally take a breath without looking like there is a car parked on her chest, and though it doesn't instantly heal all their wounds it is a leap in the right direction (it tells them that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and for once it's not a train).

And after they talk they lie together in another warm peaceful silence watching the clouds go by and listening to the birds in the trees and for the first time ever just enjoying each other's company.

Though after a while Santana breaks it again (because, as Quinn knows, her mind can't keep still for too long).

"So you've had a thing for me since grade school," she says like she is both proud of, and impressed by, herself (it's so arrogant and cocky and Quinn loves every bit of it).

"Since the first time I ever saw you."

The surety of Quinn's response surprises her for a moment but then she comes back with, "Alright, well if that's the case what part of me do you like the best?"

There is the arrogance again, but Quinn is almost dizzy on excitement that she can spend so much time with _her_ Santana and doesn't waste her breath on a playful quip, "Your hair."

Santana sits up and gives her an indignant look, "My _hair_?"

"Yes," she says it almost before Santana can finish asking.

A cute frown appears on her face, "Okay your second favorite-"

"Voice," Quinn cuts her off because she has had a list of her favorite parts of Santana since she was seven (though the list had to be rearranged slightly once she hit puberty).

She just stares at her for a moment before she gives another one of her full rich laughs (Quinn feels like she may have to adjust her top two favorites) then Santana leans all the way over her and it creates a curtain of that soft, black silk around her face (and she instantly vetoes that decision).

"I admit I do sound amazing, but is that all you like about me?" she asks in her sex voice (and Quinn wonders if Santana knows how much of an effect that has on her).

"You asked me my top two," Quinn says (trying not to sound as aroused as she feels).

"Fine. Third?"

"Skin."

Santana frowns adorably again, "Are you kidding?" Quinn shakes her head bashfully, "Fourth? And please don't say something like fingernails."

"Eyes." (and now Santana sighs heavily)

"You are bruising my ego big time."

Quinn rolls her eyes playfully, "I definitely love your womanly assets, but if you want to know my favorites you have them. The top of the list is made up of all the innocent things I noticed before I knew how to appreciate the others, they got there first and stayed."

Santana laughs again and when she looks back at Quinn (and the blonde still can't believe Santana even knows how to find her with those gorgeous eyes) her face holds a look Quinn can't read (because she's never been on the receiving end of it).

They talk and laugh for a while longer before they return home and Quinn is shocked when Santana (the real Santana and not her silent stoic counterpart) comes home with her, and when they get back they continue to talk until the early hours of the morning.

However at some point as they slept _that_ Santana leaves and the one she married returns and Quinn has to force herself to not be distressed by it (though it is heartening to notice that at least her wife is still looking _at_ her).

But she finds that even then it isn't as bad as she feared, Santana may have become more silent again, but she does hold an interesting and lively conversation from time to time (which is 200% more times than she ever has before) and she laughs now, authentically and heartily. Quinn wishes she could have kept the woman she remembers from so many years ago, but she is thankful for the change and vows to be happy with it.

Then came Tuesday.

It isn't a special Tuesday, at least not at this point, but it becomes a day that stays with Quinn forever, like the first time she saw the small girl with the wide eyes and brown skin (and the amazing inky black hair), or the kiss that had rocked her world and created an unreachable goal for every lover she'd had afterwards.

On this particular Tuesday Santana joins her at breakfast (she's looking at Quinn the whole time with that expression from before that she can't decipher) and just watches her eat. Quinn still feels unnerved by being stared at so intently, but she decides she would rather have Santana stare at her ponderously than ignore her presence until there is some reason for them to communicate, so she just continues to eat (feeling so very aware of how goofy she looks when she chews). She finishes her meal and is about to head back to the bedroom to get dressed for work when Santana smiles at her (it's the warmest smile Quinn has seen on her face since Brittany died), and she says 'I love you.' like there has never been anything truer to her.

Quinn just freezes because she is so damn sure she is hearing things, yet Santana is still looking at her with those soft brown eyes and they are confirming it, but she has to be sure (she just _has_ to be sure).

"What?"

"I love you," she repeats it louder and more surely this time and Quinn can't deny her ears any longer.

The words don't sink in at first, they just sort of float in her mind, but then she soaks it up and her heart almost stops (now she's questioning reality because this can't be right). And Quinn is so jaded she decides that she is making the look into more than it is and that Santana means 'love' in a friendly way (because the whole time they have been married her wife has never even passively used that word in her direction) so she just nods and tries to leave before she gets all emotional, but she is cut off by Santana pushing her back down into her chair, kneeling before her looking into her eyes with an intensity that makes her shudder.

"I know I've been the world's shittiest wife and somehow through it all you stuck by me and I only just realized that I've never told you what you mean to me. I made that mistake with Brittany and I'm not doing it again. I love you, Quinn."

She is direct and passionate and Quinn feels her heart working double time while her mind is trying so hard to not believe any of it, because it would kill her to find out that somehow this doesn't mean what she thinks it does, but Santana isn't giving her a moment's reprieve to try and deny it. It is literally everything she has ever wanted and it seems ridiculous that today is Tuesday and not Impossible Dreams Come True Day.

Again she holds totally still because she can tell Santana has more to say and she doesn't want to run the risk of bringing this moment to an end (even if this is a dream it's the best dream she's ever had and she wants to sleep until it's over).

"I've been thinking… about everything, for the first time really thinking and not just grieving and I think that this isn't what's best for us." (Quinn's heart stops again and her head is chanting an 'I told you so') "I really do believe what you said about moving on not meaning leaving Brittany behind, so I've finally accepted that I can live my life and keep her in my heart without it hurting me or feeling guilty when it's not. But Brittany has always had Santana Lopez. That person belongs to her and always will, we both know it." (Quinn thinks her heart may be actually hemorrhaging blood and she idly wonders how long it will take her to bleed out) "I think we would be better off if you were married to Santana Fabray." It's here that Santana holds up a gold ring (it's small, glittering and just her size), "So will you marry me?"

Now Quinn is lost, somewhere in between dying internally and desperately trying to do damage control she thinks she missed something so she looks at the ring with confusion, "Santana we already are married." (right? She doesn't know anymore because the thought of her wife asking for a divorce just sort of upended all of her files on the subject)

"Yeah, but I already said you deserve better and you definitely deserve a real wedding, and a ring that you didn't buy yourself to prove you are married to a woman that treats you like shit. I want to marry you the right way, I want everyone we know to come and know how proud of you I am, I want them to know how much I love you. Because I do. I love you so much."

As she says that her eyes water, and Quinn is far too susceptible at the moment to keep her eyes dry after hearing that, so seeing Santana tear up makes her completely fall apart (leaving Santana looking comically horrified).

"We don't have to, it was just a thought-" she tries to amend (she has no idea where she went wrong), but Quinn cuts her off by diving into her arms.

"Of course I'll marry you again! I'd marry you a thousand times!" she sobs feeling so corny and silly (and enraptured, overjoyed, relieved, revived and loved).

Their second wedding occurs on the anniversary of the first (like a much needed do over of the original disastrous event) and like a proper redo it is infinitely more upbeat and well received.

Quinn feels like maybe somewhere along the line she might have died and gone to heaven, but if that is the case she is fine with it because for the first time in four years she is with Santana.

 _Her_ Santana.

Santana Fabray.

All their friends all show up, even a few that hadn't made it to the first event (Finn, Mike, and Tina) and everyone is relieved to see the Latina back to her old self. Mr. and Mrs. Pierce come and Quinn worries that it might be uncomfortable for them, but they were worried about Santana like everyone else and are nothing but overjoyed to see her living life again.

Even Puck smiles at Quinn when he arrives, though it makes her a little sad because it is the same smile she had worn at Santana and Brittany's wedding, the Time-to-Say-Goodbye-For-Good smile (but she is pleased that he is convinced Santana is sincere enough to warrant such a look).

She wears an ankle length white dress with flowers and swirling patterns sewn in and her hair is around her shoulders in ringlets, Santana wears a similar dress in a sky blue, her hair piled neatly on her head (her only option since she had wanted to cut it short and Quinn had flat out forbidden it).

They say their self written vows and Quinn gets teary, but keeps it together.

It comes time to kiss the bride and she is swept off her feet by lips so soft and gentle (and finally hers) that she wants to just weep with joy, but even then she keeps her face dry.

Speeches are made and Brittany is no longer a taboo word, but even with the fond memories of Brittany from their past being brought up by Rachel and Mike, and her wife telling all their closest friends that she is the luckiest woman on earth to have found the perfect person twice, Quinn doesn't cry.

But then it is time for their first dance and the opening chords of a song filter through the speakers (a totally different song than what they had previously agreed on), Santana stands and offers her hand and Quinn knows it is going to be a fight to remember to keep her mascara from running.

Santana pulls her to the dance floor and they sway together just listening to the music (Quinn trying to think of something, _anything_ , to keep her from getting emotional), but then the chorus comes and Santana looks her straight in the eyes and sings along.

" _If there's love just feel it,_

_If there's life we'll see it,_

_This is no time to be alone, alone, yeah,_

_I, won't let you go."_

Somewhere inside Quinn knew how hopeless it was to try and keep this from happening but it doesn't make it less embarrassing when tears start falling down her face (and Santana has no mercy because those beautiful eyes are still on her and she keeps singing those words that touch Quinn's heart so deeply).

So she cries on the dance floor and feels like a fool (a loved and cherished fool, but a fool nonetheless), but Santana wipes her tears away and gives her that look from when they were at the park and _finally_ she can identify it. It's the look she used to give Brittany (that You-Mean-the-World-to-Me look) and she starts crying again.

Everyone congratulates them, the words are natural and heartfelt and they let Quinn know that everything is real (and not a very convincing dream).

Later her mother even sends her a text that says 'I genuinely hope you are happy with her.' It's short, long overdue and would have been better said in person, but it is the first contact she's had with her since she tried to invite her to the reception when she was first married. Quinn is so glad to hear anything from her at all she beams explosively at her phone. Her father and Santana's parents don't make an appearance either, but Mrs. Lopez does send them a card that is signed by her (and Mr. Lopez, but Santana informs her the second signature is forged) so between all four of their parents they seem to have half a vote of support and it means more to both of them than either is willing to admit.

By the end of the night Quinn feels like she can't take any more emotional moments (she is pretty sure her tear ducts have emptied out), but that doesn't keep them from happening.

Their redo marriage also includes what the original had not; sex. Lots of sex. But it is incredibly frustrating sex because Santana seems to be determined to drive her completely insane, every time she brings Quinn to the brink she backs down (at first it was exhilarating, but now it's just exasperating). She does everything she knows how to signal that she's ready, that she needs more (speed, pressure, contact; everything), but nothing seems to get through.

Santana ignores every sign sent until even she gets tired of teasing and finally gives them both what they want, but when her wife reaches climax Quinn hears her name in her ear (she's sure of it this time) and realizes instantly that Santana is trying fix their bedroom habits, she had been trying to make her vocalize something instead of keeping a stony silence to give her wife and her long gone love privacy (Quinn can see how it hard it would be for Santana to put that desire into words), the understanding of that comes right before she does. And for the first time since she has been with Santana she comes _loud_. She opens her mouth and screams her pleasure with her hips bucking and her nails digging into brown skin and the most beautiful name she knows bursting from her mouth. She shakes and convulses and she can see Santana staring at her with so much love and adoration her body rallies to produce a few more tears, but this moment is worth it (because she knows it's the first of many that will heal the both of them and make them stronger).

The next morning is like any other morning, but completely different (how could anything ever be the same again after that night?). Quinn holds Santana in her arms and runs her fingers through the raven hair that is fanned out over her chest and marks a time in her life where everything is perfect.

She doesn't know what could be better and, even if she did, she is too content to bother to ask for it.

Anything more is extra.

Here in this moment she is perfect.

They are perfect.

And she is sure (now more than ever) that she wouldn't change a single thing.

End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song Brittany (later Quinn then Santana) sang was 'I Won't Let You Go' by James Morrison.


End file.
